Monday, June 14, 2010

This weekend I grew a tail... what'd you do?

I feel like a lot of things have gone wrong lately. Well, perhaps not wrong, but not right, ya know? Just little craptastic days here and there filled with a bunch of small annoyances that build into something explosively over-reactive. Ya know what I mean? Sure you do.

Well this weekend topped off a rather stress heavy two weeks. Why was it stress heavy - I'm not entirely shore. Summer school is kicking my butt up and down the street so there's that, work's been quite busy as I'm planning events and training little interns, plus I've had some life contemplations that always make you reflect on such things as "So... where do I want this degree to take me?" and "Why didn't I minor in Spanish in college instead of French? Zut!" The really important things in life.

Oh right so... on to the 'weekend topper' - I spent mucho of Friday night in the University of Utah ER. Super fun. Why did I spend Friday night in the UofU ER? Well let me tell you. Take a walk with me back to last Tuesday. I was doing a Jillian Michaels video... naturally... after class and really into it. She makes you sweat if you wanna "Don't forget to oxygenate! These ladies are aspirational!" Hey... she's allowed to create these words; I mean just look at her arms! And I thought only DUDES could get those two ab lines that dip into the nether regions. Jillian and dudes, apparently. Anyway... doing some Metabolism Boost with Jillian Michaels and I get on the floor for some ab work and OUCH... my tailbone hurts. It's tender. It feels funny. I reach on back there to see what's up (naturally) and find a funny little bump. Super zit, maybe? Okay, maybe. I had a rather painful snowboarding crash many many seasons ago, landing directly on the tailbone and since then, have experienced small little flair ups such as this now and again. I thought the two were related... turns out...

Roll Thursday night. It hurts now. TMI moment! Super zit is er... spewing... stuff... out of a little hole I did not create. Self-made super zit drainage hole in the tailbone? Okay. (I told you TMI... don't say you weren't warned). Friday... hurts something FIERCE! And continues to grow in redness, tenderness, and spewness throughout the day. Around 8:00 that night, I pretty much can't move without the super zit raging like a pitch fork stuck banchee... also an excellent descriptor of the sounds I started making when I tried to move. YeeeeeaaaAHHHHHLP! At this point I'm thinking...

"Um... I think I need to go to the ER. I think I have to drive myself to the ER!"

This was upsetting. Shore the super zit hurt, but I think what 'hurt' a little more is the fact I had to consider driving MYSELF to the ER. BOO! Enter Rod Stewart "someone to waaaaaatch.... oooover me...." So I text a variety of friends, all of whom are cool so thus naturally watching movies and hanging with friends on Friday nights (I had ambitious plans for homeworking... super zit killed those dreams too), and finally gathered up my things (purse... keys) and hobbled to the door, accepting the fact that my super zit and I were alone in the endeavor and I would have to drive myself to the ER. Just as I left my apt, my good friend Camille called "What's up!"

"Dude! The super zit! It's an alien pod I know it! Something's growing! I’m hosting a parasite!!"

Camille: "I'll take you... be there in 20"

ER

"Well," says the (female... hurray!) doctor, "It's not cancer so that's good."

Er... were you considering it COULD be cancer? Sheesh woman! If it's not cancer then I'd prefer you not even mention the word.

"It's what we call a Pilonidal Cyst. Only about 10% of the population experiences it because only about 10% of the population is born with a little hole above their tailbone that can get infected. Usually, it's men who get it, but women can too... in their teens and 20's," explains Ms. Doctor.

Me: "So... sniff tear sniff... okay... gasp..." (I tell you it hurt!)

Ms. Dr: "So! We will drain it. Make an incision and drain that sucker (didn't actually say sucker), pack it with gauze, and send you on your way. Oh... and it's really going to hurt."

And hurt it did. They tried to numb the area but mostly, it was just a lot of gasps and tears and tears and gasps. Not fun. Might I NOT recommend getting a Pilonidal Cyst if you can help it? Apparently mine had by then turned into a Pilonidal abscess and if any of you wisdom teeth removal people are familiar with abscesses...es... you feel the pain. I felt the pain. And man was in paaaaaaiiiiinnnnnn. After draining the little beasty, the filled it up with gauze and said that I'd have a little tail for awhile while the gauze helped close the wound properly. They gave me some sweet sweet Loratab for the pain and sent me home. Can I say, that it doesn't end there? Newope.

As the wound heals, the little gauze packing is pushed out... thus my little chipmunk tail has turned into a kitten tail. Which is a nice image. A little kitten tail coming out of my tailbone... makes sense. I've been told I was likely a cat in a previous life, so the addition of a kitten tail goes without saying. It still hurts... not as badly... but it hurts. Church was KILLER, 3 hours of sitting, but I made it through! Trooper! That's me! Today isn't too terrible and after taking 3 15-20 minutes baths a day since Saturday, I feel things will turn out okay. Right? But who knows... I DO have a little extra tailbone hole that only 10% of the population has and most of those people are dudes. This would happen to me... it just would.


12 comments:

Jessica said...

I'm so sorry! I have a friend who had something similar- I won't go into details- but i can only imagine how painful that must have been! Hope you lose your tail soon!

Andrea, Mrs. said...

Oh man oh man oh man!!!!! That sucks! I'm so sorry. I hope it is on the mend. It won't come back, will it?

(light) Black And Decker said...

Holy crap. I'm trying really hard not to picture it.

Andrea Jolene said...

Gina - I can explain it more if you want. ;) Make that image clearer. So the spewing... right...

Andrea - she said it LIKELY won't come back, that's what the tail is for. Lets hope.

prettypilot2002 said...

man that sucks andrea... I love the way you write things though,,, you are too funny

Amber Liin

Andrea Jolene said...

Amber - so long as I can turn my pain into entertainment... it's all worth it! Er... sorta... :)

jaime said...

The real question on everyone's mind is...can you wag your tail?? Does it move when you get excited?? I'm real excited about this! I've never had a friend with a tail before! :-)

Nasher said...

Who knew your pain could be so enjoyable to other people. Good work!

Misty said...

This is one of the best blogs! I really appreciate you going through this to write up such a great story! I'm joking, that sounds so painful! If it helps though, I'm dating a guy with a permanent tail! (Shh....don't tell that I told!)

Andrea Jolene said...

Jaime... bad news. The tail fell out last night. I was working on wagging it and plop... out it fell. Right? But it shore FEELS a lot better being tailess... I can tell you that much!

Adam and MiKail said...

Oh - I am so sorry! Although it's different, I can totally relate to major bottom pain. Throughout my entire pregnancy, I have had serious issues with hemmorhoids - no fun! Why is it that the place on your body that you spend a lot of time sitting on has to be such a potential hazard sometimes? I hope you heal quickly and well!

bets said...

oh honey. i'm so sorry about all of this!! i have to admit though, that i was laughing quite a bit while i was reading this post. not because of your pain but because of your descriptions-super zit? very funny. like the post above me, i can sort of relate because post-baby, i couldn't sit at all for about 6 weeks. for a second i thought maybe you really did have some sort of infestation, like on a national geographic special or something like that. i'm glad you don't have larva living in your body :).