Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Co-Worker Carson Tries his Hand at Political Rhetoric... ish

Everyone say Hello to co-worker Carson.

Hiiiiiiii Car-son. 

He admitted to me yesterday being very inspired by my recent politico artwork. And who could blame him? To commemorate his awe of my abilities, he has crafted some of his own political pallets. Observe!

How about you? Have you felt inspiration burning deep within you that's sparked by a ridiculous comment, inane suggestion, or just plain exasperating conjecture by a political hopeful? SEND THEM MY WAY (andreajolene@gmail.com)! This forum is for all political mockeries and not merely confined to Mr. Gingrich. He just makes it easy.

Monday, January 30, 2012

Polygamist for President? Who's YOUR nominee?

I have always cultivated an interest in politics and even go against my historically apathetic age demographic and vote once in awhile. So stick that in your pipe and SMOKE IT!

However, the current presidential push has not only cultivated my interest, but also inspired my greater artistic abilities; adding yet further purpose (a purpose?) to the political realm for moi. 

I present, A Polygamist for President? Who's YOUR nominee?

"Mr. Gingrich spent much of Sunday promoting the endorsement late Saturday by Herman Cain, a former rival for the nomination and the former chief executive of Godfather’s Pizza."

"Newt Gingrich said Tuesday that his past marital issues make him more relatable to most Americans and said it makes him seem "more normal" than a person who "wanders around seeming perfect"... Gingrich has been married three times and admitted infidelity; his second wife suggested last week that Gingrich sought an "open marriage" arrangement involving her and Gingrich's current wife, a claim the former House speaker denies...."So I think in that sense it may make me more normal than somebody who wanders around seeming perfect and maybe not understanding the human condition and the challenges of life for normal people," concluded Gingrich."

As for me, I guess I'll go with the abnormal one. 

[Romney's] tendency to only have sex with the woman he's married to is a bit bizarre. He probably needs to find a couple of mistresses and divorce a couple of sick wives before he can really understand "normal people."

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Fly me to the moon, Newt

If there's one thing a crazy person is good for - it's inspirational cut and paste artwork. Am I right?

“Speaking to a yet another massive crowd in Cocoa Beach, on Florida’s space coast, Gingrich ditched his stump speech and offered his vision of an ambitious new space program. ”By the end of my second term,” Gingrich said, prompting the crowd to erupt in applause, “we will have the first permanent base on the moon and it will be American.”

When he was in the House, he authored a bill that would allow a lunar colony to apply for statehood once it reached 13,000 residents.

I met a gentleman in the audience who told me he had worked on Gingrich’s Congressional staff and helped with the bill, which was called a Northwest Territory Ordinance for Space.  The man told me the bill would have allowed space colonies with over 20,000 people to apply for recognition as a US territory.”

I think the scariest part of this whole thing is he may actually have a chance. Really? THIS is who we see leading the free world? A vote for Obama (or Romney, or Paul, or Santorum) is a vote AGAINST moon colonies. So think through that... think through it very carefully.

Newt or Schrute?


Reckless Abandon

Usual breakfast

Today's breakfast

I live on the edge.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Why I don't blog like a regular blogger

So come to find, I don't blog like a regular blogger. What does that even MEAN?!?! Well, I guess it means I'm either a non-conformist or completely out of touch. I'm going with the latter on that one seeing as I'm usually the last to know anything (see: not knowing Amy Winehouse had died until a few months ago or figuring out that DIY means Do It Yourself, like, a month ago) or last to jump on already brimmingly full cultural bandwagons (see: any popular TV show in general, capri's (which I still refuse), and Twitter. I don't tweet. I don't understand the point of tweets. And I think it's weird when people say, "I read this tweet..." or "I tweeted" You... WHAT?!?! Ew.

I only noticed my irregular bloggery because I've finally (FINALLY) noticed a pattern with most bloggers I like to read/peruse. Or just most bloggers in general I suppose. I've noted before, I only follow 4 or 5 blogs fairly consistently and mostly, it's because I can endure their writing. Nay, it's because I actually ENJOY their writing. And who follows blogs because of the WRITING?? I'm going with slim to no one considering everyone thinks they're a writer and only about 5.25% actually include words in their blog entries. And abut 4.653% of THOSE can construct a meaningful paragraph... that even KNOW how to "paragraph." Yes, I just made "parapgraph" a verb; "She paragraphed as if each thought she had was transitory yet related..." If I were merely enduring what I was reading, then you can be certain I would've stopped that ridiculousness ages ago - though I'm sure still well behind everyone else who stopped enduring dangling participles and blatant neglect of the Oxford comma. I won't give it up I tell you! The flag is red, white, and blue! Not red.... .... .... whiteandblue! Shudder.

There's also the blogs I like to look at because I am inspired by their creativity (cough, Roxy Marj, cough). In fact, I will go so far as to say "dangle your participle!" because your modge-podge would have even Monet shopping for sponges. You modge podge with sponges right? These things:

Here are some patterns of bloggery I've noticed are fairly consistent (i.e. "regular) with most high profile-type blogs that I rarely if ever do on my own blog. Why? Most of it has to do with pure unadulterated laziness. Oh, and the narcissistic concept that all you need is my writing to enjoy my blog. Ha ha ha! Riiiiiight.

1. DIY projects (that's Do It Yourself... to the slow person). I don't think I've ever been described as "crafty." Creative perhaps. I can plan one hell of a themed party! But crafty? I've recently dipped my proverbial toe into craft-land and find I very much enjoy it. Never the less - there's no bloggery about it. It just seems to produce a useful "How-to" list complete with pictures and steps seems like doubling the work of an already painstaking craft. I MADE a Halloween banner. What more do you WANT?!? Figure it our your damn self, Sherlock. 

2. Trips. Alright -I HAVE blogged about trips and I enjoy writing about them. But they have to be rather significant trips... or really trips at all. I find a lot of bloggers discuss their recent jaunt to Trader Joe's (not in Utah, so how can I even blog about that? Huh! How?!?), or their weekend sabbatical in "insert location 20 minute away from their home town" and though I like reading about these things, I don't blog about them often. Maybe I should, "Today, I while buying Tostitos as Smith's, I saw a frozen coyote in a shopping cart." 

Aside: so that's an actual story that happened to my brother at the Price, Wal-Mart. I mean, of COURSE it happened at a Price, Wal-Mart. Maybe if I start blogging about interesting things I will tell you that story. But it is not this day.

3. Products. I don't mention products or make-ups or tasty things I've eaten and so must YOU or things I've recently tried and regretted. I probably should. I mean, for the 2 or 3 people who glance over my blog, at least they'd get an opinion about a product they've been considering from someone who has no clout. And I do want to help people! It's the philanthropist in me. Here's a start:

I like the scoops myself as it allows you to balance your salsa to chip ratio much more effectively. I'm also a pico-de-gallo fan more so than your basic salsas. I like the chunks without the runs. There's clearly a 12 year old boy joke in there somewhere. Poop allusions are funny. 

4. Pictures. And that's basically what it all boils down to. Pictures. People like to see them; and I don't ever take them. So I guess I mean "real life" pictures. That's because you can't google those, "Me eating Tostitos scoops" and get what you expected. You can, however, google "Daniel Craig is sexy" and have a myriad of options right at your finger tips. Mmmm... Daniel Craig at your fingertips. Sure, you'll get a blurry phone photo of Zooey or little Carter now and again I guess. That's as real life as I get. I think if I added real life pictures to whatever nonsense I attempt to describe, it might help me look more bloggery. But then again, I am an Ar-teest! And my art is in my writing. Why would I muddle such beauty with something as silly as pictures? I ASK YOU!

5. I also don't have kids. That's the old fail safe blog post isn't it? I've not blogged in awhile, so here, look at these 93 still shots of my kid smearing carrot puree all over his face. Riveting. That creates a nice irregular bloggery hole in my blog world I'd say. One I hope to never fill. Not because I don't want kids, cause I do, but because carrot puree makes me gag. 

6. Cooking. Do I cook? Yeah, sure I do. In fact, I've been subsisting on a vat of homemade chicken noodle soup for a solid week now. HOMEMADE! CHICKEN NOODLE! I also bake. I'd say I bake a lot. Over that same chicken noodle week I've been ceremoniously supplementing said meal with a delicious chocolate crunch brownie. But just like the crafts, I don't care to document the experience in painstaking technical writing complete with attempts at "arty-food" pictures. 


Perhaps I could blog about the brownie making process as if the brownie were an actual character in a story. Example: 

As Hershey Cocoa rested comfortably divided evenly among 3 Tablespoons, awaiting her turn in the rotating bowl of doom that was at this moment creaming together 2 sticks of butter, 2 cups of sugar, and 1 teaspoon vanilla, she glanced over at the oven temperature and noted it read 350 degrees respectively. She usually tried not to do this as it was like looking into the furnace of her own death - but this time - she looked - along with the 1 cup flour and 4 eggs waiting in line with her. The flour glanced at her with resignation and the eggs, well, the eggs just grinned and clucked among themselves. Eggs. They were always so smug what with their white shells and gooey centers. They never even see the inevitable coming. No, they just fluff and preen and coagulate the rest of us together - patting themselves on the back for creating a sense of "community" among the other ingredients. It's not until we're all spread evenly in a greased 9x10 glass cake pan and starting to feel the sting of 25-30 minutes or until the center isn't gooey, do they start to panic.  

What do you think?... Eh?.... EH?!??!.... erp.

So that's what I DON'T blog about that makes me a not so regular blogger. What I DO blog about is contained basically to a few random trips, commentary on social issues, Zooey and/or Carter, self-reflection, life lessons, and random things I find funny, inspirational, or addicting (see: Downton Abbey... X-Files... Tostitos Multigrain Scoops). I also enjoy a good lament or rant once in awhile. 

I'm glad I figured this out - that I am not a "regular" kind of blogger. Why? Shrug. So I could irregularly blog about it. Oh snap. Did I mention I like to blog in "sass" and "irony." Yep, just made those writing genres. What of it.

Monday, January 23, 2012

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Miss Representation - You can't be what you can't see

*Note, some scenes are somewhat graphic. Thought you deserved a warning!

Last night, I had the privilege of viewing this film at the Utah Museum of Fine Art (UMFA) with a handful of friends. It premiered at Sundance last year, and since then I’ve heard nothing but excellent feedback about the issues it addresses. I scoured their website, tracking where they were showing it next, and was very happy when I discovered the College of Social and Behavioral Science at the University of Utah was hosting a screening. 

Naturally with a documentary addressing equity issues, particularly that of women as they are portrayed in the media and how that, in turn, effects gender parity in the United States, one must mull over the issues and concepts for awhile. Particularly, I wanted to reconcile what I believe are the innate gender differences and dare I say “roles” of women as a fundamental unit of society as well as the natural born nurturers, comforters, and champions of family, children’s rights, and social justice with the call for women to break through the administrative glass ceiling and become powerful voices in leadership, commerce, and business. I feel that these two concepts of womanhood and ability are complimentary to each other though difficult to balance.

 However, I also feel that extreme feminism has eroded the role of men as community contributor, providers, and dare I say protectors? We can all agree that any stance, even in such arenas as social justice, freedom, and democracy, taken to the outer extremes becomes not harbingers of peaceable solutions and the equitable pursuit of happiness, but  instead ignites greater tyranny, contention, and loss of individuality.  Fanaticism and extremity in any respect is dangerous.  That said, the movie was somewhat extreme in my mind in a few respects. That's to be expected. A rallying cry is a yell and not a whisper.

I also want to say; I have always had issue with the idea that society and the media both view being a homemaker is somehow not living up to your womanly potential in a modern world. That if you are not working an 8-5, that you are not only dim-witted or lack depth, but that you are somehow hampering the feminist movement simply by keeping house and raising children. Thus, I think it’s important to show the immeasurable value a homemaker contributes to her home, her community, and the future of the country. In fact, I would go so far as to say that it is good mothering (whether that is full time in the home or not) that will make or break a nation on every possible level.

I also have the perception that being a feminist is construed as being a “man-hater.” That if you claim to value women’s rights and participate in the women’s movement, (or run for President of the United States or hold leadership positions in government at ALL), you are therefore a man-hater as well. I look towards the day when claiming to be a feminist is not also claiming to be a man-hater. Wanting to forward the cause of the historically disadvantaged is not inversely a cause to disadvantage or loathe another group. I also feel that claiming to be a feminists means you must not desire to fulfill a role of wife and mother. I say Feminists Are Mothers and Wives too! I am part of a religion that refers to a married couple as companions. Companion. Partner. Match. Someone you have equally yoked yourself with to trudge through this journey called life. Though many would view my religion as “traditionally patriarichal” in the sense it somehow does not allow equitable expectations, treatment, or recognition of its woman members and prefers them submissive, quiet, and complacent. I say to YOU, you have never been more wrong. I recommend watching a single session of General Conference and observing how the male leaders of my church rever, respect, and adore the women of the church. And they adore them in a way that is valuable, uplifting, and beautiful.  The sanctity of women in my religion is ingrained in its every principle and precept. Here’s a good example: LDS Women are Incredible.

ANYWAY! All that said…

 The film, Miss Representation, focused very particularly on the media influence of the societal perception of women and how that perception has hindered the cause for equity and to just plain be taken seriously.  I ardently agree that the overt sexualization of women and the unrealistic and entirely unattainable standard of “beauty” portrayed through and enabled by the media that not only objectifies women and therefore devalues their contribution to society, but communicates to the rising generation of women that their ambitions and goals to become leaders in their community is not valuable to a hyper-sexualized society. That a woman’s worth lies solely within the length of her hair, the shape of her body, and the plumpness of her breasts is reinforced daily through an onslaught of mediums including billboards, television shows, movies, advertisements, clothing stores, and even news broadcasts. And because the perceived societal promulgation of woman’s value as purely aesthetic is so ingrained in our collective psyche, when a woman rises to a position of leadership, she is labeled a bitch; whereas if a man rises to positions of leadership, he is ambitious. A woman in leadership is not heralded or critiqued because of her stance on policy, but rather, her pant suits or hairstyle. Even when looking up pictures of powerful women’s in the United States  and beyond on Google image, the “suggestions” for my search were “Katie Couric, sexy… Ann Curry, hot…. Michelle Obama, hot… Hillary Clinton, nut crusher…”

Face the Facts; Did you know?

…The United States is still 90th in the world for women in national legislatures, women hold only 3% of clout positions in mainstream media, and 65% of women and girls have disordered eating behaviors.

I repeat: women hold 3% of clout positions in mainstream media. Curious, isn't it? That the media's positions of clout is held by 97% by men. Think about that.

This is just one small factoid of many presented throughout the film that adds credence to the claims that though women have made significant strides in achieving equity and credibility in social and political forums, there is clearly much more that needs to be done; and that includes addressing the role the media plays in that perception. In fact, I would go so far as to suggest that the media is responsible for the stagnation of women’s movement in the last 5 years with its skewed and incredibly damaging portrayals of women in the media. And the media IS incredibly powerful. So what’s to be done?

My favorite part of the film was a call for women to become mentors and support mechanisms to each other.  Marie Wilson, Founder and President Emeritus of The White House Project, stated, “You can’t be what you can’t see.” The media is the most pervasive medium through which society, through which women, integrate social expectations and perceptions, how will they ever find value outside of “sexy, hot, and hips” if the media is their only window? Through us. Through the women who have had these experiences and understand the pressure, the internal conflicts, and the personal anguish that forces us to have eating disorders, cut ourselves, be depressed or anxious, nip, tuck, pluck, and bake our bodies to societal perfection. Of course, I believe that we need to express our femininity and beauty and not hide those qualities and unique attributes that make us women. I do not want women to become men. I want women to find their worth and value beyond the realm of the aesthetic and create a more holistic perception of a woman who is valued for her intellectual, spiritual, emotional, AND physical beauty. A confident woman, no matter her dress or hairstyle, is a beautiful woman.

As for me and my own experiences. Can I tell you how many times I've been told I'm not married (oh heaven forbid ;)) YET, because I am "intimidating." Intimidating. Or how many meetings I've been a part of where I've been interrupted by a man or talked over or not even addressed as part of the group? I remember thinking in 5th grade that I had "fat thighs." In 5th grade! I've had friends with eating disorders, depression, rooted bitterness, resentment, and anguish simply because they were not meeting a completely unattainable standard the media has passed off as "the norm." Something must change.

Find a screening near you.
Go see it.
Be the change!

Monday, January 16, 2012

How I spent my 3 day weekend...

After many a very smart and insightful person recommend I "get into" Downton Abbey, I finally dusted off the old Netflix queue and sat down to watch and episode or two. Well, as you might imagine, today I rounded out the season premier of Season 2 and thus, will be caught up after viewing episode 2 tonight or tomorrow. A well spent weekend I'd say!

And really...

Why is this show so completely excellent? Is it because it's a Jane Austen novel strung out into a television series? Yes. There could be something to that. Though you are privy to my deepest darkest English majoring secret, aren't you? I've not read one sentence of the famed Ms. Austen and it has nothing to do with anything but I just plain haven't. Put that in your pipe and smoke it. What's more, I really enjoy the book-to-movie adaptations of her works, particularly (and very well ahead of - gasp gasp - the excruciating 6-8 zillion hour BBC Pride and Prejudice) Sense and Sensibility. So even though it seems that I somewhat fall short in the Austen-reading and even more shamefully, employ the phrase "why read it when I've seen the movie a million times" when asked if I'm ever GOING to read an Austen, I AM watching and adoring and slightly obsessing over Downton Abbey. And that means SOMETHING doesn't it? Sure it does.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Millions of Dollars.. Dollars for Me

I keep an Excel sheet of my monthly budget. Nerd alert! I like to be organized, alright? Nothing wrong with that (as she pushes her glasses up the bridge of her nose with a juicy sniff and look of disdain). And through the years, this little budget of mine has clearly fluctuated. Going from being a poor student to a poor working person has clearly ebbed and flowed in most respects. I mean, 5 years ago I was sharing a room, going to school, scoring church buildings and school activities for the chance at a free meal, driving a blubbery car that ran on a prayer, and waiting for movies to hit the dollar theater so I could finally afford to see something on the big screen. Well, times have changed… slightly. I had less expenses as a student and have more expenses now as a working adult, but all is well. The blubbery car finally blubbered out and I am now paying for a 2006 Hyundai. Nothing fancy, but very dependable and I admit, I felt very proud of myself the day I said “I can now afford a car!” My rent has gone up simply because I now have my own room in a great location in a lovely little house. I buy vegetables now – and that’s a little more expensive than your basic boxed Mac & Cheese (though don’t get me wrong, I buy that too! Nom).  I’ve been able to travel more – which makes me extremely happy. Ever since I was little I’ve wanted to see the world! All of it! And I’ve started accomplishing this rather hefty goal with modest trips here and there. Life’s trudging along for me it seems. Though I wouldn't mind it trudging a liiiiittle bit faster in the financial sphere of things. Eh? Eh. 

So yes… there’s been some transition. An elevation of lifestyle if you will. I’m really starting to ease into some of the comforts of life: like vegetables and dependable cars and trips to Charleston, SC. Of course, there are stresses and a few more bills that go along with that as well… one big old bill called STUDENT LOANS to get specific. I chant in my head “investment… investment… investment” and I’m almost starting to believe it!


As I was budgeting out next month I thought, what would I do with a million dollars? It’s the million dollar question! Ba dum chi! I’ll be here all day! Truth be told, what I’d do with a million dollars today is quite different (some might say boooorrrring) than perhaps what I would’ve said 5 years ago. I guess that could be a good thing too. I don’t want to be the same person I was when I was 23 just as I don’t want to be the same person I am at 28 when I turn 33. Hopefully that all connotes a forward movement. I always want to be moving forward – even if its slow and deliberate – it must be forward.

So here’s what I’d do with a million dollars as a 28 year old:
  •  Pay off student loans. BAM! After that, who cares!!?!?
  •  Pay off the last year of my car (that’s pay off the Hyundai, not buy a new car. I like my Hyundai!)
  • Buy a modest but lovely house in the Sugarhouse area (say… $250,000-$300,000)
  • Take a trip
  •  Pay for a couple of friends to come with me on said trip (such a good friend!)
  • Pay for my brothers college education   
  • Pay for my PhD anywhere I want to go (and that will let me in... psh)
  • Donate a chunk  to the perpetual education fund (double nerd alert!)
  • Shop a bit (Of course!)
  • Save the rest
And that’s as exciting as my million dollars gets. I guess a million dollars doesn’t seem like a lot these days, but I could pay for all of the above and STILL have a pretty decent chunk of change left over. In fact, if I crunch those numbers loosely, I’d still have a about $300,000 left. That’s pretty legit. And to think that celebrities and superstar athletes make eight times that in one year. I read the other night that Julia Roberts gets $20 million/movie. $20 a movie! Can you imagine? I don’t know if I could even begin to SPEND $20 million. But if anyone’s willing to let me try, I wouldn’t say no.

I guess what this list tells me, is I really don’t need anything fancy or extravagant. And as material prowess is concerned, I really don’t (see: Hyundai and modest house). If I could make enough each year to travel to some cool places once in awhile, buy a lovely home, and shop at Anthropology (hurray!), I’d be set! What more does a girl need than some awesome traveling experiences, a place of her own to lounge about with her cat(s), and a beautiful dress to flounce around in? I submit to you, not much!

So what about you? What would YOU do with a million dollars? Yeeeeah… just 1 million. 

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Running on the Road to Resolution Success!


It's Day 1 (remember how yesterday didn't count as "work-on-resolutions-day" because it was a Holiday) of working on my resolutions and I've made a very big step in the process. I don't like to waste time. When I set a goal - by golly I'm going to accomplish it! Why, just last year after setting my "gum chewing" goal I immediately committed to never leaving the grocery store without a pack of Orbtiz Sweet Mint gum lovingly purchased and deposited into my purse. And I never did... mostly... and look where I am now! Setting and accomplishing worthy goals left and right... and with the sweet minty freshness that is my chewing gum addiction.

Therefore, I'd like to report a few steps I've taken MERELY in the last day to ensure that my success is as resounding as last year.

First, I bought prenatal vitamins and have taken two already! TWO! How's that for accomplishing goals!! Wait, what does this have to do with my 2012 resolution list where the words "baby" or "marriage" or "dating" makes not even a sliver of an assumption of an appearance? Well duh. Growing my hair like Zooey Deschanel of course. Snort. All you sexually active people think YOU get to take all the good pills like birth control or prenatal vitamins? Get off your high horse. We prudish single types can take them too.

I have high hopes. My roomie J told me that she had been taking them and had noticed a difference in hair growth and texture. THEN, while hanging out with Sister-in-Law on Saturday, SHE said that she'd noticed her nails and hair growing faster as well. Granted, she just had a wee one (what's that? Do I have another PICTURE? OF COURSE I DO!)...

....and she said that though she had cut 6 inches off her (thick, gorgeous, shiny, dark) hair not a few months ago, it had already almost grown out to its original length. With such testimonials, how could I NOT go to my local Target and by the store brand prenatal vitamins for $9.49 / 100 count bottle? I had to.

And now I have visions of my hair looking much like the below come Spring.

For reference. Here is my hair more or less how it is now. It's a little longer now actually but you get the idea. Thus, when it looks like Ms. DesChanels, my accomplishment will seem all the more worthy of praise. Praise not in the Nobel Prize sense maybe... but in the "that must've been really annoying to grow out" sense. Even as we speak I'm getting all mulletty. Ew. All for the cause.

Monday, January 2, 2012

Recap... Resolute... Same old same old

I can't help myself. It's the beginning of a New Year and I must make some resolutions! I usually find New Years resolutions antiquated and to be frank, pointless. Bah-humbug! It's not that I don't think setting goals isn't a valuable exercise; on the contrary. I think setting goals for yourself and then working to achieve them is a very good way to improve your life, and improve your self-esteem. I think setting goals is also an excellent way to organize and utilize "life" in its best, most efficient, and most effective form. I've just taken the magic out of accomplishment haven't I? Well I'm a rather formulaic sort of person and if you haven't learned that by now, you're not very observant! Are you? ARE YOU!?!?! YOU MORON!

Woah... just kidding. 


Goals good. New Years resolutions... antiquated and pointless. But never the less, here I am with the rest of you billions of suckers who have justified the past 6 months of laziness, gluttony, bad attitudes, and expired gym memberships because you might as well not start anything new, self-motivating, or good-for-you until January 1st. It's the reason we all gain 20lbs starting weeks before Halloween all the way through December 31st (Or January 1st if it lands on a weekend - am I right? You know I am) because you're so totally planning on starting that ambitious work-out regime as part of your New Years resolutions; conveniently forgetting last years same justifications which prompted the same goal-mongering only to have everything fall to shambles by mid-February. D'oh well... no point in trying again until after the holidays anyway! YOU MORON!

Woah... just kidding.

Amongst my bitter mumblings about pointless traditions, I also took the time to look back on last years resolution to see what goals I had forgotten mid-February 2011 and which ones were worth resurrecting this year for inevitable failure. But what ho? What did I find? Well my friends! I was shocked to discover that in fact, I am a picture of resolution success circa 2011! Turns out, I accomplished 99% of the resolutions I set last year! ME! I did it!!! Check it out, morons!

Resolutions from 2011 - Mostly Success!
1. Graduate - Summer 2011. You will then refer to me as Master Cox
Result: Success! I graduated end of summer 2011 and spent several posts thereafter referring to myself as Master Cox. Well done! Pat on the back!As an aside, I thus entered a "Lazy Period" where I refused to do most anything nor feel guilty about my slothfulness as a reward for milking my brains dry for two whole years. Needless to say, I've never been so lazy and felt so good about it. However, I can tell the "Lazy Period" is coming to a close and I'm going to have to start making something of myself soon. Boo.

2. Travel - anything that takes me outside the state of Utah... or inside the state really so's long as I haven't been there before...

Result: Success again!! In 2011 I had the privilege of going to Charleston, South Carolina as well as Portland, Canon Beach, and Astoria Oregon, and Forks, Port Angeles, and Seattle Washington. I also ate at a Texas Roadhouse! All places I'd never been before! That's two gold stars so far!

3. Eat less, exercise more. 

Result: A little from column A... and a little from column B. In fact, I'd say that I did the opposite of that until I graduated from school. August through present day, however, I have been instilling this goal into my daily routine a great deal more... well... the exercise part. The eating less part was only true because I substituted SOME cookies, brownies, cakes, and all assortments of holiday goodies for A LOT of sensible good-for-me foods. Still, half a star for both attempting to exercise while in the throes of school and then a prompt upswing in said exercise when it was over. I guess the Lazy Period was mainly brain lazy. We shan't speak of the cookies.

4. Make more money - legally

Result: Fail. I made more money but it was illegal. Oh ho ho! Just kidding. I make the same. Good thing I got a Master's degree, eh? Fist shake.

5. Turn 28 

Result: Success! Did and done did! Ha! Nothing was going to keep me from accomplishing that little goal.... even if I wanted to fail! Blasted biological certainties and their inevitability. 

6. Alright... run a half marathon. Let's give it another go. Why not?

Result: Fail. Blame = School + Lazy Period. 

7. Go to movies sometimes

Result: Success! In fact, Internet, I've seen three movies within the last... 10 days! How's the for spanking that goals blue! We're painting the roses red! We're painting the roses red! No? Ahem... proceeding.

8. Wear skirts

Result: Resounding success! Weekly... nay... almost daily. I'm a skirt girl. I set myself up for success and succeed. Double gold star and a chocolate chip cookie!

9. Chew gum

Result: Success! Check and check. Through this goal I have found my preference for Orbits Sweet Mint. Accomplishing goals opens up doors you never thought possible. 

10. Go on one date in 2011..

Result: Success! In fact, I'd say I went on a grundle (word?) of dates in 2011. See what you can accomplish if you put your mind to it? I might have even gone on TWO dates with ONE person. Shooting for the stars everyone. 

So how's THAT for being a super goal-achieving achiever of goals? Pretty stinking GOOD! In fact, I'm feeling so accomplished right now, perhaps I'll just set a bunch more goals! I will call them "Resolutions 2012!" How about that?!?! MORONS!!!!

Resolutions 2012
1. Come-up with more creative titles for my lists

2. Stop calling my Internet friend(s) morons.

3. Run that *&!%$!! half marathon or stop setting it as a goal

4. Grow my hair out to my shoulders but keep the bangs... something rather Zooey DeChanel-esque 

5. Set better goals for self-improvement than "growing my hair out"

6. Travel to a few more places I've never been. I'm loathe to name specific places as I don't like to limit my myself - but I'm going to go against my better judgement and throw Washington DC out to the universe. 

7. Work on that novel. And I mean really work on that novel. Set a writing schedule, find your happy writing place, and just do the thing!

8. Make the Summer of 2012 the most campingest, outdoorsy, non-schooled summer I've ever experienced! I'm talking perma-camp fire hair smell, ridiculously sun bespeckled cheeks, and pic after pic of me in a rustic all be it super cute hiking outfit infront of many mountains, forests, streams, canyons, and critters! (Future disclaimer: Zooey counts as a critter) 

9. Now that I've slain the Diet Coke dragon (applause! It's true... the Diet Coke and I... well... I finally broke it off for good several months ago. No regrets!), lets see if we can't nip the old Sugar Fairy in the bud too. Reduce. Reduce. Reduce.

10. End Lazy Period and do stuff

11. Come on, get happy. By happy I mean content. By content I mean grateful. And by grateful I mean humble. 

So what do you think? Pretty good list, eh? And perhaps a titch more ambitious than last year (see: Chew gum and Wear Skirts). But I'm positive I will likely succeed at most (see: half marathon doomed for failure) of these goals during the wonderous year - 2012. So just in case you were a big fat resolution failure for 2011 and were considering opting out of resoluting for 2012 like I almost did, don't be a MORON* and set a few anyway. I did.  And as some advice, DO as I did and aim low so there's really no way you can screw up. 

*As January 2nd is clearly considered part of the holiday-time and thus merely 2011 "leavins"; real life doesn't start until tomorrow and THEN will all afore mentioned goals be promptly instituted. And off we go.