Why I don't blog like a regular blogger

So come to find, I don't blog like a regular blogger. What does that even MEAN?!?! Well, I guess it means I'm either a non-conformist or completely out of touch. I'm going with the latter on that one seeing as I'm usually the last to know anything (see: not knowing Amy Winehouse had died until a few months ago or figuring out that DIY means Do It Yourself, like, a month ago) or last to jump on already brimmingly full cultural bandwagons (see: any popular TV show in general, capri's (which I still refuse), and Twitter. I don't tweet. I don't understand the point of tweets. And I think it's weird when people say, "I read this tweet..." or "I tweeted" You... WHAT?!?! Ew.

I only noticed my irregular bloggery because I've finally (FINALLY) noticed a pattern with most bloggers I like to read/peruse. Or just most bloggers in general I suppose. I've noted before, I only follow 4 or 5 blogs fairly consistently and mostly, it's because I can endure their writing. Nay, it's because I actually ENJOY their writing. And who follows blogs because of the WRITING?? I'm going with slim to no one considering everyone thinks they're a writer and only about 5.25% actually include words in their blog entries. And abut 4.653% of THOSE can construct a meaningful paragraph... that even KNOW how to "paragraph." Yes, I just made "parapgraph" a verb; "She paragraphed as if each thought she had was transitory yet related..." If I were merely enduring what I was reading, then you can be certain I would've stopped that ridiculousness ages ago - though I'm sure still well behind everyone else who stopped enduring dangling participles and blatant neglect of the Oxford comma. I won't give it up I tell you! The flag is red, white, and blue! Not red.... .... .... whiteandblue! Shudder.

There's also the blogs I like to look at because I am inspired by their creativity (cough, Roxy Marj, cough). In fact, I will go so far as to say "dangle your participle!" because your modge-podge would have even Monet shopping for sponges. You modge podge with sponges right? These things:

Anyway...

Here are some patterns of bloggery I've noticed are fairly consistent (i.e. "regular) with most high profile-type blogs that I rarely if ever do on my own blog. Why? Most of it has to do with pure unadulterated laziness. Oh, and the narcissistic concept that all you need is my writing to enjoy my blog. Ha ha ha! Riiiiiight.

1. DIY projects (that's Do It Yourself... to the slow person). I don't think I've ever been described as "crafty." Creative perhaps. I can plan one hell of a themed party! But crafty? I've recently dipped my proverbial toe into craft-land and find I very much enjoy it. Never the less - there's no bloggery about it. It just seems to produce a useful "How-to" list complete with pictures and steps seems like doubling the work of an already painstaking craft. I MADE a Halloween banner. What more do you WANT?!? Figure it our your damn self, Sherlock. 

2. Trips. Alright -I HAVE blogged about trips and I enjoy writing about them. But they have to be rather significant trips... or really trips at all. I find a lot of bloggers discuss their recent jaunt to Trader Joe's (not in Utah, so how can I even blog about that? Huh! How?!?), or their weekend sabbatical in "insert location 20 minute away from their home town" and though I like reading about these things, I don't blog about them often. Maybe I should, "Today, I while buying Tostitos as Smith's, I saw a frozen coyote in a shopping cart." 

Aside: so that's an actual story that happened to my brother at the Price, Wal-Mart. I mean, of COURSE it happened at a Price, Wal-Mart. Maybe if I start blogging about interesting things I will tell you that story. But it is not this day.

3. Products. I don't mention products or make-ups or tasty things I've eaten and so must YOU or things I've recently tried and regretted. I probably should. I mean, for the 2 or 3 people who glance over my blog, at least they'd get an opinion about a product they've been considering from someone who has no clout. And I do want to help people! It's the philanthropist in me. Here's a start:

I like the scoops myself as it allows you to balance your salsa to chip ratio much more effectively. I'm also a pico-de-gallo fan more so than your basic salsas. I like the chunks without the runs. There's clearly a 12 year old boy joke in there somewhere. Poop allusions are funny. 

4. Pictures. And that's basically what it all boils down to. Pictures. People like to see them; and I don't ever take them. So I guess I mean "real life" pictures. That's because you can't google those, "Me eating Tostitos scoops" and get what you expected. You can, however, google "Daniel Craig is sexy" and have a myriad of options right at your finger tips. Mmmm... Daniel Craig at your fingertips. Sure, you'll get a blurry phone photo of Zooey or little Carter now and again I guess. That's as real life as I get. I think if I added real life pictures to whatever nonsense I attempt to describe, it might help me look more bloggery. But then again, I am an Ar-teest! And my art is in my writing. Why would I muddle such beauty with something as silly as pictures? I ASK YOU!

5. I also don't have kids. That's the old fail safe blog post isn't it? I've not blogged in awhile, so here, look at these 93 still shots of my kid smearing carrot puree all over his face. Riveting. That creates a nice irregular bloggery hole in my blog world I'd say. One I hope to never fill. Not because I don't want kids, cause I do, but because carrot puree makes me gag. 

6. Cooking. Do I cook? Yeah, sure I do. In fact, I've been subsisting on a vat of homemade chicken noodle soup for a solid week now. HOMEMADE! CHICKEN NOODLE! I also bake. I'd say I bake a lot. Over that same chicken noodle week I've been ceremoniously supplementing said meal with a delicious chocolate crunch brownie. But just like the crafts, I don't care to document the experience in painstaking technical writing complete with attempts at "arty-food" pictures. 

BRIGHT IDEA ALERT! AKA RIDICULOUS TANGENT!

Perhaps I could blog about the brownie making process as if the brownie were an actual character in a story. Example: 

As Hershey Cocoa rested comfortably divided evenly among 3 Tablespoons, awaiting her turn in the rotating bowl of doom that was at this moment creaming together 2 sticks of butter, 2 cups of sugar, and 1 teaspoon vanilla, she glanced over at the oven temperature and noted it read 350 degrees respectively. She usually tried not to do this as it was like looking into the furnace of her own death - but this time - she looked - along with the 1 cup flour and 4 eggs waiting in line with her. The flour glanced at her with resignation and the eggs, well, the eggs just grinned and clucked among themselves. Eggs. They were always so smug what with their white shells and gooey centers. They never even see the inevitable coming. No, they just fluff and preen and coagulate the rest of us together - patting themselves on the back for creating a sense of "community" among the other ingredients. It's not until we're all spread evenly in a greased 9x10 glass cake pan and starting to feel the sting of 25-30 minutes or until the center isn't gooey, do they start to panic.  

What do you think?... Eh?.... EH?!??!.... erp.

So that's what I DON'T blog about that makes me a not so regular blogger. What I DO blog about is contained basically to a few random trips, commentary on social issues, Zooey and/or Carter, self-reflection, life lessons, and random things I find funny, inspirational, or addicting (see: Downton Abbey... X-Files... Tostitos Multigrain Scoops). I also enjoy a good lament or rant once in awhile. 

I'm glad I figured this out - that I am not a "regular" kind of blogger. Why? Shrug. So I could irregularly blog about it. Oh snap. Did I mention I like to blog in "sass" and "irony." Yep, just made those writing genres. What of it.