Monday, March 14, 2011

In which my Saturday got a little more exciting or, Dim Bulb Crashes Through a Window

How was your weekend? Mine wasn't bad.  I saw two crappy movies - so there's that. To be fair, after seeing the second crappy movie the first only seemed sorta crappy - almost "okay" - as far as shoot 'em up, cliche, "been done", loose plot, alien movies go. Alien movies peaked during such films as Aliens (clearly), Predator, Independence Day, and Signs. What? I really liked Signs, okay? I don't know why so many folks out there gotta be hatin on Signs. I thought it was excellent. It also reminds us that Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix used to be really great actors and not just crazies who used to be in good movies. I guess they're "still" really great actors - just added the crazy and bad career/personal choices. Seems to be a Hollywood theme (see: Tom Cruise, Charlie Sheen.... Charlie Sheen.). Battlefield LA (as you've probably gathered from my "alien movies" allusion above) was the first semi-crappy turned "okay" movie which I saw on Friday. Saturday... oh dear... Saturday was Red Riding Hood and phhhhheeeeewwwwahhhhhh. Rough. And what saddens me is a movie like that has SUCH potential. Ya know? Truly. Red Riding Hood could've had the makings of something really spectacular. What they REALLY needed was Tim Burton or Quinten Tarantino OR, dare I mention, Christopher Nolan to make the darkness of such a classic fairy tale really come to life. As it is, we had old what's his name from the Twilight series (I know I know, clue #1) and it was DEFINITELY reminiscent of Twilight - what with the two hotties liking the same one girl and oh heavens, amongst wolf killins and religious zealotry was consumed with her little drama that any girl would love to have. Two hotties want me. Oh the torture. Whatever will I do? Naturally, she chose the WRONG guy (i.e: the emotionally wuss "bad boy") and the "nice guy" finished last. For the record - I like the nice guy! I thought maybe Gary Oldman would at least add some substance to the film, and really, he's great even delivering completely cliched lines, but mainly he must've been doing someone a favor. It was Days of Our Lives wrapped in a red cloak mimicking Twilight. Enter at your own risk.

But aside from some mediocre movies... I did witness something rather exciting - nay - possibly life-threatening I'd like to tell you about. Excited? Settle IN!

Picture if you will - a rainy Saturday - much like this last Saturday. Got it? Good. I've finally decided it's time to pony up the doe and pay for two new tires and a wheel alignment on my car. The tires because I was running on two new ones and two bald ones, and the alignment because my car rattles your brain when I reach speeds of 40mph and over. Rather disconcerting - and probably not too good for the car in the long run or your brain. I went to the Firestone Tires on 200 East 300 South, where I had gotten my other two tires and felt I had wheeled (pun!) and dealed them successfully in the past. Plus, I'd like my tires to matchy match. Upon parking in front of the large windows that are tradition for such establishments, I entered, and proceeded to discuss my various options with one of the workers at the front desk just inside the front doors, thus near the front windows (location is key in this story... keep going). The second worker was busy with another girl who, lets just say, didn't seem to be the brightest bulb in the pack. And likely, paid a lot of money for a lot of unnecessary things which was why this worker was continuing to spend a lot of time trying to get her credit card to accept such a sum. Poor sucker... both of them. So it was clear to me that this customer had been there awhile and the Firestone employees were happy to finally get her out the door. Finally, out the door she went as I finished my business with the first worker. As we were both looking at his computer screen solidifying my various needs at a fair price (damnit!), we both suddenly covered our heads as we heard a: THUMP!!!! CRAAAAASSHHHH! GLASS SPLATTER! REV! REV! BUMP... Glass crunch... glass crunch.... squeaky break.

The Firestone employee and I look up at each other through our hands; which had been covering our heads for fear of being... glassed. Or something dangerous and painful at any rate. And both of us turned too see if we would be coming face to face with a Velociraptor that had just crashed through the front window and was now eyeing us both hungrily (I also watched Jurassic Park this weekend - classic). Nope. Instead, we saw a swath of glass sprayed several feet into the building, around my legs thanks, and the "Dim Bulb's" vehicle humming angrily at the window it had just lurched through. Take that window! You don't mess with non-descript practical sedans! The entire window, floor to ceiling, in ruins about our feet and in the parking lot, and in the Firestone....silence and confusion. I look at the employee and croak, "Er... wooooow." Both the employees were just staring at the gapping hole in their building with firs,t shock, then a clear "WTF just happened?!?!" shortly thereafter.

So Dim Bulb, gets out of her car, clearly unnerved (I would be completely 103% MORTIFIED!) and walks tenderly into the store, all of us still staring in disbelief. And instead of bursting into tears (I would've), apologizing for her clear blond moment profusely (me again) and handing them her insurance card (clearly), she starts attempting to BLAME the employees.

"The car was in gear..." she says.

Employee: "Well... yeah..."

Dim Bulb: "So... I got in and it was in gear and just shot forward! Why was it in gear??"

Employee... stunned but controlled: "Be...cause that's what you do with a manual when you park it. Why would we put it in neutral and let it roll backwards into the street?"

DB: "Well! I mean... I just started it and it lurched forward!"

Employee... annoyed: "Well that's pretty amazing considering you have to put in the clutch AND the brake to even START your CAR!... miss..."

It was at this time I decided to take my leave. I smiled at the other employee still transfixed on the splayed glass and gaping hole, and said "So... I'll give you a couple hours then, eh? Good luck!"

I then walked the 4 blocks to my house, calling my mom and a few friends to let them in on my most exciting Saturday experience in a long time. Most people found it shocking and then entertaining. You know what would've been really great? If I would've taken a PICTURE! Yeah, sorry ya'll. I really need to get more into the "picture" taking because lets be honest - who even reads anymore? Not I! Hopefully you though, reader, right? Read on.

I went back to the Firestone about 3 hours later and there was some poor sap there boarding up the hole and sweeping the carnage. I had to snicker to myself in remembrance of the event. I mean, who does that? Well, truth be told, I could see me MAYBE doing something like that, perhaps if I were emotionally distraught or being chased by a hoard of zombies... or Velociraptors (sticking with a theme here)... but why in the world she reved that little vehicle to such an extent it popped over the curb and CRUSHED that window I'll never know. Just think if she'd been going in reverse with that much rev she probably would've backed into an oncoming car and THAT would've been mucho worse-o. In any event, she still would've found a way to blame the employees for her lack of brain power/judgement/forethought... even if she WERE being chased by Velociraptors: "What was i supposed to do? Back OVER them?" well, yeah.


Misty said...

Wow and I glad I talked myself into overlooking your swears and reading your post!!! (HAHA!!!)

That's really unfortunate that you didn't take a picture, but the imagery in your writing was probably better anyway.

And she blames them? REally? Wow! That just makes me laugh!

heidikins said...

What!? How was this NOT MENTIONED today?!?!??!!

Seriously, I have to find out about a Velociraptor through the window from a BLOG POST!?



Sumiko said...

You know what would help with this? Mandatory annual on-road driving tests to renew a a a snowstorm. If you don't pass, you get a free bus pass for a year. :)

Andrea Jolene said...

Sumiko - guuuurl - I like where your heads at. I had to drive a 99 Ford Ranger (manual) in the SNOW and let me tell you - DEATH on WHEELS! I don't think my heart has ever recovered.