Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Why have I not blogged...

Because I've had nothing to blog about...


NEXT WEEK!!! AH HAHAHAHAH! Hint below. I leave tomorrow night on the Red Eye... and will return with mucho postings and picturing and likely because I cannot avoid them, a few ridiculous stories of frivolity and bad luck. That's the spirit!

Oh wait I do have a story. This is a good one.


This week, I went to St George for work. By this week I mean yesterday. Te he. I was presenting some awards at a High School, so lucky me I got to fly down (that's right! See 55 minutes in a plane vs 4 HOURS in a car... suckers) and spent the night in sunny St. Geezy. After the ceremony, there was still plenty of light in the sky for me to get in a nice run. By nice I mean leisurely... by leisurely I mean not strenuous. It is important for you to understand this so that later in the story, you acutely feel as I felt. Betrayed and pissed off.

On my way up to my hotel room to ready myself for said leisurely run, I asked the hotel matron (is that even the term? I don't even know where that came from).... or the hotel front desk lady, if she knew any close running trails I could partake of. Observe the dialogue that follows:

Matron (I like the word now): Well, yes. How long do you want to go? Distance I mean.
Me: Mmmm... like 4-5 miles. Nothing particularly strenuous (as in leisurely)
Matron: Ah! Well go down this road, turn right here, and you will see a trail head for to enjoy said leisurely 4-5 mile run. As in not streneous. It's a loop!
Me: Oh! I love loops!
Matron: Yes...

(at this point I imagine she went back to her matron room and rubbed her hands together cackling under her breath "that fool! That fool! Mwahahahaha!" Then proceeded to eat a bag of Cheetos waiting for the Bachelorette to come on... stupid)

I quickly changed into my running threads as daylight was a-wasting, bought a water (thank goodness) and ventured to said trail. It's just where she said it was, not 5 minutes from my hotel. Excellent. She speaks truth! At this point it's about 7:30pm and I feel my leisurely 4-5 mile run will get me back to my car a little after 8:00pm. Perfect considering the sun will set closer to 8:45ish and also, I hadn't eaten anything since 12:30pm that day. Me want foods.

So I begin this so-called loop.

And I run.

And I run.

And yes, I noticed some mile markers but many of them didn't make sense... and seemed to be measuring a variety of trails that must intersect this particular trail, though I could not see from where or how. It's a small two lane asphault trail winding through the desert of St George.

So I continue to run.

And run.

And have yet to crest the loop.. as in loop around and start heading back to the direction of my car.

After well over 3 miles, I start to question this whole "loop" business as I've not seen many runners on said trail, but have indeed witnessed some bikers. At this point, and because I'm proud, I don't want to turn around, but am intent to keep on attempting to loop. I opt to cross a bridge to the other side of the watery desert ravine I've been running alongside for over the a fore mentioned 3 miles and not continue NOT looping as the road would have me do. This proves to be the best decision I can possibly make. For I continue to run... and run... and though I am now finally facing "back" the direction I came... it doesn't seem to want to close said loop anytime soon. I am encouraged after seeing to rather stout older women power walking opposite me and feel that this loop can't possibly last much longer... ya know... considering.

But it does...

And I start to panic.

The sun is definitely going down. The loop is a freaking sham, and I'm out in the middle of nowhere with cotton tail bunnies and baby lizards and rapists and zombies and desert ravine monsters! At this point, a series of desperate prayers ensues and I am hoping beyond hope that I've not struck out on some ridiculous 15 mile trail of death. Also, I have no water with me. What?!??! It's supposed to be "oh 4-5 leisurely miles!" Death is before me... I feel his icy hand on my rasping lungs... or rather... sticky heated fist of running mouth goo.

And then....

Sweet sweet major highway connection. Yet one more bridge I cross to get OVER said ravine (though yes of course I considered striking out into the unknown, bushwhacking my way back to the building I THINK indicates where my car MAY be parked in sheer desperation) and feel that perhaps I won't die this night after all. I'm exhausted, but as time is not on my side, the option to walk is not an option at all! So instead I cry a little.  This road is so winding that you can't even see what horrible distance may or may not lay before you... you go around one curve to find another curve curving evilly away from the direction you want it so desperately to curve. Why! WHY!!

Finally... FINALLY... 8.5 freaking miles and over an HOUR later, I make it to my parked car dry mouthed, tear streaked, and full of heartfelt gratitude that I live to see another morning. What the hell hotel Ma-tron? 4-5 leisurely miles and you send my on an over 8 mile race against time?? Come to find, had I truly run the loop I was on (sans bridges)... one Mayor's Loop... I would've run... (are you ready for this?).. 15. Miles. Fifteen!! Wha... who... gah... and likely ended up fodder for saber toothed rabbit demons. Me and the maggots.

I suckled the water I had thankfully purchased at the hotel completely dry while recuperating in my car and THEN and spent the next few hours eating brazen beef tortellini from Olive Garden and soaking in this:

At my hotel. I also watched the Bachelorette. Oh like you don't have vices.

Needless to say, the hammys are feeling a little stiff today. Psh. 4-5 leisurely miles. I let little Miss "it's a loop" know that in FACT, it is NOT 4-5 miles but indeed would have been 15 damn miles if I had not opted to cut the corners with said ethereal bridges from a merciful God.

On a positive note - I ran 8.5 miles, bitches! YAY!!! Fist pump!!

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