Monday, July 25, 2011

I'm just an innocent Mormon girl from rural Utah... truly

I'd like to tell you an embarrassing story. 

Saturday night I had a date. How embarrassing. Just kidding. That's not the embarrassing part. Saturday night I had a date and we went to the Bee's game. Now, as many of you Utahns know, this weekend is extra special. This weekend, we celebrate Pioneer Day; that most auspicious day when Mormon Pioneers first pulled their muddy worn handcarts, covered wagons, and tired feet into the Salt Lake Valley. "This is the place," announced then LDS President Brigham Young, "drive on." The Mormon Pioneers had arrived! They had found their Zion in the west! Their lovely Deseret! The freedom to practice their beliefs without persecution.

So naturally, upon such a momentous day, there's a lot of fireworks, picnics, bbq's, and general hullabaloo. How embarrassing! Oh wait... not yet. Thus, going to the Bee's game during this weekend has become a bit of a tradition for a good majority of Salt Lake City residents. Honestly, I've never seen a Bee's game so packed as it was during this weekend. Not even the 4th of July, America's holiday thus Baseball's holiday, is as packed as during Pioneer day weekend. Turns out, Utahns like Pioneers better than Revolutionaries. Makes sense.

SO! I'm at the Bee's game on a date with a guy I find pretty attractive and funny, there's a million people there and we're sitting ourselves down on the grass to enjoy some baseball. Mainly, to enjoy having conversations on the lawn eating hot dogs with baseball in the background. Lets me honest ;) I didn't watch too much of the game. How embarrassing! Oh wait... not yet.

So during this conversation, we begin talking about baby animals. Naturally this indicates the date is going well when you can openly discuss duckies and puppies. And of course no discussion of baby animals would be complete without a small commentary on kittens; which I happily obliged. I honestly don't know why we were talking about kitties, but then the conversation took a turn for the worse because I had the audacity to bring up cats. My friends, it was all down here from there.

Date, "So... there's kitties and cats... what are the inbetweens?"
Me: "Well... they're tweens... not kitties... not cats... they're... "

Now listen to me Internet... I'm a Mormon girl from rural Utah. Do you know what this means? Well, stereotypically it means I grew up contained within a little bubble of sunshine, rainbows, kittens, and asexuality. Thus, it means that sometimes, even though I'm now a 27 year old Mormon girl living in SLC who is finishing up a Master's degree and, I think it's fair to say, have a great multiplicity of friends from all types of backgrounds and belief systems, sometimes... SOMETIMES... my rural Utah Mormon-ness creeps in. I am also a self-proclaimed word-smithy. If you combine rural Mormon Utah girl tendencies with word-smithery... you get the following.

Lets pick up our conversation...

Me:"... so then if they're cat tweens then ... they're twa*s!" (do I need to spell that out? I'm afraid to spell it out because I don't want my blog tagged as R rated... I like to keep things family friendly. So if you did NOT get what I just alluded's a link... from Wikipedia!)

Date: Huge eyes "BWAhahahahahaha!!!"

Me: "What? It's combining tween and cat... it makes sense... they're twa*s"

And Internet.. I said it LOUD... among a crowd brimming with FAMILIES and probably a Bishop or two... and my date just keeps laughing and shaking his head. I thought he just thought I was extremely clever... which I AM extremely clever so it makes sense to me why he'd be laughing.  The laughter was no indication to me that I'd just referred to adolescent kittens as a vulgar form of a woman's neither regions. NO. IDEA.

So the date carries on, we eat a hot dog, watch some fireworks, and all is well in my world of rainbows, sunshine, and asexuality.

Then yesterday, my roomie Alex and I decide it's Red Box Sunday and wander on over to the 7-11 down the street to get us a movie. As a side, I'm convinced property values are directly correlated to location relative to a 7-11. I'm just sayin. We rent Easy A. Have you seen it? It's decent... funny... not bad. So we're watching this movie and the main girl (Emma Stone) calls a girl a twa* during class. The entire class gasps, her face goes ashen, and I get really confused. Of course MY pronunciation was more in line with that "a" in cat rather than... well you know... but I could still tell it was the same word I had used to describe adolescent kittens at the baseball game the night before. So while the character is apologizing to the principal for her vulgarity, I go ahead and use my phone to google said insidious word.

And I nearly choke on a Nib!

Suddenly, everything comes together in one messy trough of word vomit! Lord love a DUCK! Did I? I did. On the date? Oh man. I totally said... wow. I'm a fowl-mouthed deck swab! I base scaly-wag! A slippery tongued, filthy mouthed, tripe! Maybe not a tripe... just the mouth of one. Yes, I know that a tripe is thank you.

I immediately texted said date from the night before and asked him if he would believe me that I had NO IDEA what "the word that must not be mentioned" meant and that I was completely 100% mortified that such a word came out of my little saintly mouth. Snort. Alright, perhaps not saintly as I have a few choice swears nestled nicely into my everyday vocabulary, but THAT word... such vulgarity! My excuse, I tell him, is I'm just an innocent rural Utah girl who is still getting acquainted with the ways of the world. He said he figured it was either my complete naive innocence or I had a mouth of a sailor.Alas. Though my date now knows I'm just an innocent Mormon girl from rural Utah, I'm pretty sure every person who heard my filthy adolescent cat word at the Bee's game are still offended I would give such utterance on such an auspicious occasion. You'd never hear a Mormon Pioneer say such things! How embarrassing. 


Jesse, Mckette, Allee, Carter said...

Ok, that is the funniest story I have read in a long time:) Love it!

Jaime Van Hoose Steele said...

Bwahahahaha!!! That is awesome! I can't believe your date just let that one go?!? I totally would have called you out on being a potty mouth! I knew your good girl from rural Utah was a act! :-)

Andrea Jolene said...

Jaime - it is! It is an act! I moonlight on weekends as a foul mouthed coxswain. Yes that's a word. And yes I'm aware of the pun... on all its multiple levels ;) Word-smithery!

Adam and MiKail said...

Hahahaha! That's hilarious! I've had that happen a time or two - one instance involved me saying "orgasm" very loudly in the high school library while trying to come up with alliteration words for an English class. Talk about naive... :)

Also, I hope you had a fantastic time up here in the Northwest - it's such a great place! I would have loved to see you, but I know vacations can be pretty hectic. Good luck with the rest of your classes!

Andrea Jolene said...

Ha ha - well MiKail we are cut from the same rural Utah cloth. Don't worry - I will be back in the Northwest again and I will hit you up! Always need an excuse to come up - it's gorgeous.

Marisa Jean said...

BWAHAHHAHAHA! Andrea, I needed that. I can't count the times that I've done things like that in a group of people, only to have my husband have to wisper in my ear and tell me why people started laughing.

Sounds like the date liked you if he wasn't mortified by the statement and knew what it meant. I say he's a keeper.

Jennica said...

OMGosh. I love it. And yes, it is possible that I had to look it up after Easy A as well. Oops!

Sumiko said...

Foul-mouthed but funny! Sean always tells me he can't take me anywhere because I accidentally say things like that at high volume in public places. It's all good.