Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The shoes shrink and the fruit roll up immediatly crusts!

I made many small discoveries today I found rather fascinating and/or irritating. Settle in.

I have a small space heater under my desk at work. My office has a window, and below said window is my desk. It's freezing. I feel like I've been cold forever - I don't recall what it is to be warm. Stupid winter. I usually don't mind winter! I like snow and the change. I like the clothes, the holidays, and the sports! Alas, perhaps because I had no money to get fun holiday gifts like I usually do...nor clothes for that matter, nor have I had the money to do my winter sports of choice (snowboarding and snowshoeing), and because the holidays are over as quickly as winter begins, I'm SICK of winter and SICK of cold. Sick n' tired. Plus, my condo, like most housing units in monopolized Provo, LOOKS very nice, but is built so poorly the heat in our hall only HEATS our hall and the bathroom. Luckily it's my bathroom - but anything within a 3 foot radius of a window is perpetually frozen. My bed for one. Sigh - and alas, my office has a window (on the bottom floor) that follows the "freeze within 3 foot radius" as well. Shiver.

I have a space heater under my desk. I believe that's what I began with. So I'm trying to bring you back after my "hate-winter" tangent. I also have the second job at the fashionable clothing store so many times I wear shoes to Job 1, that I can also wear to Job 2 because it's a direct shot from Job 1. No home in between. These shoes are usually "nicer" flats or boots that are appropriate for a fashionable clothing store and thus, because of the winter, tend to get a little more damp then the cozier, warmer, tennis shoe or Ugg. Because I have the heater under my desk, I started to take off my shoes under my desk and flex my pink toes in the warmth, and "dry" my shoes. Well my friends, my leather banana shoes were part of this brilliant idea for several hours, nay, an entire day so when I went to put them back on to walk out to work, What ho? They shrank!! They were significantly tighter on my foot than when I arrived. Well! Leather shoes shrink! Noted. But, come to find out today (the leather shoes were a couple days ago) MOST shoes shrink when they have been dampened and then dry under a current of very hot air. Mmmm, hot air. I found that out today when my black not so leather shoes also felt more snug as I put them back on after having set them in front of the heater. Huh. Noted again!

Another discovery. Today, it being ICY freezing outside if course, I walked about two blocks to the "eatery." And by eatery I mean the little food court located in the midst of the office buildings that make up or little business loop. It's not that far and would be ludicrous, even in freezing temperatures, to DRIVE. Today, while I'm waiting in line to pay for my salad (which was gross - just one of those weeks where everything tastes bad), I see little silver wrapped fruit roll ups in cherry flavor winking at me near the cashiers desk. Mm! Fruit roll up! So I snag one for a little dessert. I ate my salad (and finished my book) and started walking back to the office and what ho! I remember my little fruit roll up friend I'd hastily put in my pocket (after paying for it of course) and break it out as I walk 2 blocks in the cold. I start to pick and pull at it and notice that it starts to "flake" a bit around the edges. That's weird. Then the whole thing, almost freakishly, starts to stiffen and crackle! What? I tear it down the middle and immediately the new ripped edge starts to stiffen. Could it be the cold is crusting my fruit roll up! Damn you! And indeed - that was the case. I lost a few little pieces as I was walking, and now hastily eating my funny little fruity treat. As I entered the office with a tiny bit left, it loosened up again. It's like I was eating some small living chewy guppy that reacts to the cold almost as adversely as I do when I have to prepare myself to open the outside door. I feel you little fruit roll up. Swallow. Mmm.

So there you have it. Two strange discoveries of note today and hopefully, something of a warning for you leather shoe wearers and fruit roll up eaters alike! Also a reminder how winter sucks. Thank me later...cause you will.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

A Slumber Party? Is that Kosher?

Dear Internet, I don't date. No no no, it's not really by choice (although sometimes it HAS to be - you understand) I just don't get asked. Okay okay, I don't get asked a lot. Okay, I don't get asked a lot by anyone I have remote interest in. Te he. Which is fine. Really, dating is rather stressful and I don't really recommend it. There are those girls out there who think "ah well, at least it's a free meal" when their date they've been trying to avoid at church for weeks so he won't find a way to corner you with ink splats on his shirt, a stunningly strait side part, and monotone voice finally asks you to "mini-golf" and dinner.  It's not worth it to me. (Well that particular guy hasn't asked yet - that's because I'm a good "date distancer" for the most part.) But, it HAS happened - and really, in the spirit of "give 'em a chance" I go. But I don't really have fun. THEY think it's fun. I can talk to pretty much anyone and when they leave thinking "wow that was good conversation" I think "wow, I'm so exhausted from carrying the entire night I want to faint!" No good. So really, you have to look at it logically, of all the bad, boring, non-interesting dates and daters you've experienced, how many were interesting, worth your time (and their money), and fun? Exactly! Still not worth it sometimes (and by sometimes I mean usually)! I'm 24 and I can think of 2 dates where I had an incredible time 1. Snowshoeing (so fun!), hot chocolate from melted snow, and sledding  2. Art Ball at a Museum (which I asked and paid for - but was still a lot of fun - and I got to wear a pretty dress). And the others weren't ALL bad - they just didn't "stand out" really. Still waiting to be impressed...;)

So am I making a point? Yes. I'm not going on a date on Friday. I'm going on a "hang out." Cough. I KNOW! Worse. BUT, lemme explain. Last Saturday I hung out with this same group (which consisted of a dating couple and a single boy and me). We went to a movie, and then played the Wii at the male half of the couples house. Aside from the Wii being one of the greatest inventions of the 21st Century helping the night along, I had a BLAST hanging with "the couple" and "boy." Seriously! The set up was "pseudo-date-ish" and 100% comfortable, fun, and kinda left me thinking "wow, I've really not had that much fun with someone in a really long time." I don't know if I can count a contrived pseudo-date-hang-out as a "date", but for the sake of the sorely empty "good date" list compared to the "bad, boring date" list, I'm going to defy conventional date definitions and add it. Now there's 3!! 

Tomorrow, is round 2 "group-hang-out-pseudo-date" with the same  folks. Activity? Well, I have wanted to see Amelie (popular french film) for AGES - but being a non-rated R movie viewer, I am in need of a "clean flicks" version or at least a "clean flicker" who knows what to skip to keep the movie clean for little conservative me. Well, afore mention single boy who is fun not only owns said film, but knows those parts to skip and is willing to do so this Friday night. FUN! The plan continues to evolve, however. Not only will the "French Night" (stop sniggering) consist of THE French Movie, but French Food a la "The Paris" in SLC, a Mansion Tour (courtesy of former roomies still living in said Mansion), perhaps some Wii playing at said boys parent's house in the Aves (a dash of Japanese and hippie I guess), and...a sleep over and breakfast (I even bought a ring for the occasion (not really but it works) - it's called the Oh La La ring, clearly - I'd show you but I don't have my camera nor is it listed online; weird). I know right? I won't watch R-rated movies but I'll sleep over at a pseudo-date-hang-outs boys house. Well never fear, (like you really were - so I guess this is more for me) there is many a spare room (spar-Oom..Chronicles of Narnia? The fawn...I..nevermind), and as mentioned "the couple" will likely be there too, thus another female companion. However, the circumstances (nor company) not being solidified yet; it may actually turn out to be me and the boy with whom I'm not "really" going on a date with. Ha. Or we may not even go at all; there's always that wrench in the plan to consider. The slumber party bit is Kosher for a first non-date-hang-out...don't you think? And can only spell F-U-N...for the most part. At least he doesn't have a side part ;) Now...what to WEAR! Post to follow!

Monday, January 21, 2008

Trucks will STILL slide in a Blizzard

Today it has been snowing and snowing and snowing. Happy Human Rights Day! Honestly, I love the snow, just not driving in it. And really, driving in it isn't too bad, just slow going, it's the driving in it with other people! NAMELY other SUV or Truck drivers who scoff at the weather and still speed on their way to work, the store, the mall...the Subway! They try and beat the elements and seriously, SERIOUSLY folks, when it's you vs the elements - the Elements ALWAYS win! And usually, you've taken some involuntary fool to play in your game down with you. I, my friends, was almost that involuntary fool today!

I went to work, not knowing if I really had to, and found out I, in fact, didn't have to. My work is about 20 min from my home, but about 1o from the gym. Taking the "do I work today?" gamble is still worth it because if I don't (which I didn't) I got up at a reasonable time (7:50am), and well, I'm already out so might as well go to the gym. This was the plan. So, I slowly and cautiously start driving in the blizzard away from work and towards the gym. Now, I'd done a little slipping and sliding, a little fishy tailing, but at 15mph it's not too bad, nor incredibly dangerous even if you do happen to slid into another sensible 15mph driver. Luckily, I'd only slid into a curb so far, nothing too horrible. As I approach an intersection and pre-prepare to slow into the left turning lane, I notice some idiot "snow will not stop me! Ha ha!" truck turning right on the road that I will be shortly turning left on. Does that make sense? He's turning right onto my road, to go the opposite direction. I wish I could draw it - but I believe most of you are smart, so I'll assume you understand. So, moron truck man is going mighty fast in such conditions to be whipping around a corner. As I'm slowing up to the left turn lane, Mr. Beat the Elements jacked up truck starts to jack-knife and swing it's huge back end directly at my face! DAH! I did one of those "brace yourself faces" and said "oh no oh no oh no" as the back end is coming at me faster and faster - visions of my little Saturn underneath the truck, while the bed of said truck smashes into my windsheild. Now, something to know about me, at intense times like this I clam up, I don't over-correct, I don't scream or even swear (usually -sometimes I do), but this time I applied pressure to my brakes in reaction and started to slide even more towards the swinging trucks arrogant back end. I turned my head, and held my breath. Well, luckily, the butt-face pulled out of it and I slowed up to the left turn lane without a scratch. BARELY. IDIOT! I started to heave a huge sigh of relief and had to gather myself for a moment - my heart was in my throat and beating about a million miles and hour. I felt like I'd just sprinted a mile. The elements almost won! And usually I'm on the elements side when it comes to jackasses on the road - but not when the jackass is speeding towards me at an alarmingly out of control rate.

I drove home with no other major snow-induced incidences. There was some gabby dumb blonde on her phone riding my arse halfway home, and then finally swerved around to pass me...I hope she meets Mr. Right Turn Truck sometime. Nothing severe of course, just a little lesson a la elements containing some large dents and scratches on their highly polished, daddy purchased, 2009 vehicles.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Let the Right Job Find You

I'm employed! YES! I've left the world of giants, pirates, and crazys (it was hard, but necessary. I discovered there were also a few trolls and a witch that worked there as well - that's about all I could take). I have found meaning again, purpose, a decent WAGE! If any of you out there in Internet land recall my "blind date of destiny" awhile back, then you're caught up. If not - see here.

The job panned out. I got back from Christmas break and met with Ralph, the fellow I promised I had talent to, and he put me to work. I've been doing it for a week now and thoroughly enjoy it. The company is called CP80 (cp80.org go now!) and the cause is the Anti-Pornography Crusade! Through marketing, education, and legislation, CP80 is ridding the world of one Internet slum, one pornographers playground, one pedophiles fantasy, one piece of legislation, one idea, and one ad at a time. It's genius and I'm so excited to be a part of it - to be a part of something worthwhile. I am "the writer." Ohhhhhh don't you just LOVE that. Hi, I'm "The Writer"...."Oh! The Writer!"..."Yes yes..(nodding humbly) I am The Writer." Currently I've been working on turning pieces of state legislation into "layman's" terms for The Boss to present to...well, the layman along with State Senators and governing bodies. I've learned a lot just in the one week I've been working for CP80, and am on board full force. I get to do research papers (yes, I realize I worded that as if researching was a privilege - for your information - it IS a privilege for me. Like Alphabetizing the fiction section at Barnes and Noble...sigh, the good old days). I also write up their hand outs, edit manifesto's and white pages, as well as utilizing my French by looking up filthy words so we can "eradicate" them from home computer searches kids might use to bypass parental controls. That part has been a little....trying for my sensitive mind, but I see it as business and try not to be too shocked. I mean lets face it, I honestly have no idea what some of the terms mean, I just have to translate it into French.

Needless to say, I'm happy to be employed, and even more so, I'm happy to be employed in so great a cause. Now, I expect you, my faithful reader(s?) to educate yourself on what YOU can do to stop the Porndemic sweeping our nation and ravaging the minds of our children, degrading the good names of our businesses, and destroying homes and families. It's that serious! And you can help stop it!

Visit CP80.org

Monday, January 7, 2008

Grocering Etiquette - Just hold your breath

There are some grocery store annoyances I have to discuss dear Internet. Usually, I only encounter one or two of the grocering faux pas's each time I go. There are at least a dozen that can occur, but usually on separate occasions. I find the grocery store a strange, abnormal, universe. Although everyone needs food, for some reason the weird, the creepy, and the narcissism in humans is magnified by a visit to the grocery store. Am I like this? Maybe. When I go a-grocering I don't like to notice other people - and I don't' find it a social place. However, there are SOME shoppers out there who seem not to notice that there are other people in the store at all. I mean, I don't notice them as in I'm in to get what I need amongst fellow shoppers I feel no need to bond with. Right? I mean the rules of common courtesy still apply in a grocery store as they do say, in the Mall or on the road?

Today when I went to visit the grocery store it was packed! PACKED! After holiday grocering of course, and the University I live close to started it's classes today - so the Top Roman and Milk aisles were bustling with tangible energy. So, of course this makes one a little weary - mostly of the lines promised by such an after work, after class, late afternoon, mass grocering. So I expect to have to side step a few people and apply a more generous unspoken law of common grocering courtesy: standing at a comfortable distance while someone chooses their cheese and you await to choose yours, keeping the freezer door open for someone who is eyeing the frozen pea's you yourself also picked up, and allowing mothers with a herd of excited kids to exit the row in a wide berth before you enter yourself. Right right right. But NO! Not today. Apparently TODAY, it was narcissistic creepy weirdo day at the Market.

Example #1: Surprised Lady: I'm not the only one in the store? So, this incident took place as I was rounding an aisle with the hope of continuing down one of the main aisle's of the store. As I round said corner, a shopping cart abruptly cuts me off from an adjoining aisle and nearly rams me in the middle. I had to do one of those "stop short, throw arms in the air, and stand on tip toes" moves to avoid the collusion. I look up at the offender and it's a middle aged women who looks shocked to see me in HER grocery store! So shocked in fact she continues on her previously anticipated path THROUGH me, just to see if I'm really in her same grocering space. I mean I had to do quite the "move it or lose it" to avoid being run over. I gave her a "Are you serious?" look, and moved on rather annoyed.

Example #2: I did not get far from the Surprised Lady, when I hit a wall of "Duuurrr Look Cleatus, it's a Girl. You ever seen one?" couple. Sigh. So these fella's were double my height and quadruple my weight, and just kept walking strait forward staring at me walking towards them. So I make a move to step aside...and aside...and aside...and they "pert near jus kep on walkin" strait forward. I had to completely circumvent them. What the? Isn't it just plain walking etiquette to try and work around each others path? A team effort if you will? Well I make it past this rather large and uncomfortable obstacle to yet another...

Example #3: Confused Muchacho in the deodorant aisle. This is just another one of those awkward, yes I am female and you are staring and still in my way, moments. He just stood there "looking", then walked slowly in my direction (I was looking down at my phone) and passed close by. Shudder. Those happen sometimes. There's an entire aisle for one to peruse and an additionally 4 foot width I would hope one would take advantage of if they find another person occupying the other half of this space. Not my Muchacho - it's like I wasn't really there...or like I really was. Cough.

LASTLY - after side stepping some more fellow grocers who seemed more conscious that it WAS a busy day at the grocery store, but still gave the incredulous look that there was really someone else ALSO looking for an Evian water bottle. Some did indeed realize they have to share their grocery store with other homo sapiens who require sustenance to sustain life. Imagine! I did finally make it to the 15 or less aisle which was AWESOMELY shorter than the other far reaching lines, and amazingly, only people with about 5 items or less instead of barely slipping in the under 15 mark with 14.5 items in their cart were standing in it. So, I think this makes up for the Cleatus twins and Creepy Muchacho when low and behold...here comes...

Example #4: Too Close for Comfort Creepy. Okay - so I noticed this fellow when he stood RIGHT behind me and put his milk down, RIGHT next to me. Imagine, standing there with one Ipod plug in, holding your deodorant and orange juice, and you suddenly feel a presence bend slowly and closely behind you, the length of your body down to the ground, and up again. Shudder, vomit, tense. Now, it is common knowledge I'm a "bubble girl." I like my personal space and am not touchy with most people. Thus, being in a crowd makes me a little tense because there is a "closeness" risk, and I also reinforce my bubble if there is reason to question someones hygiene (snobby secret: I hold my breath in someones "air wake" when they pass me if they seem anti-shower, soap, washing your hands after bathroom, laundry detergent impaired, etc. It's like I don't want to breath them in.). THIS, close stander DEFINITELY arose some hygienically pertinent questions in my mind pertaining to dirty jeans and an oily, pimply, blotchy face. Add raspy mouth breather to the equation and you have a decent picture of my "too close for comfort creepy." So, naturally, I moved up a little to give myself some space. And what does this nutter do? He moves RIGHT with me. Standing uncomfortably close and rasping loudly. Cry cry cry. Each time the line moves forward, I move forward in the hope of some space, but he is RIGHT behind me. I'm trying to make exaggerated movements to cause him to step back, or shift my purse so it sits between us, but he doesn't budge. And I don't want to be a "close stander" to the jokers in front of me (stupid gits humming a hymn in a high falsetto voice - gentlemen, I ask you) - cause the creepy will come too and then I'll be trapped on both fronts! So i try and remain calm. I place my goods on the conveyor belt, and he places his RIGHT behind mine and THEN reaches PAST me, in a manner that screams "if I don't do this right now the world is doomed!" and gets the little divider thing to place between our stuff. Seriously dude?? WAIT! Back the hell off me! I gave a look that hopefully indicated that - but he was "ACTING" like he wasn't standing in my bubbled area. Oh...he KNEW he was doing it. It was on purpose! Quick! Ring up ring up, grab bags, RUN!

So that was most of it. I don't want to go into the parking lot bit, because it was just a typical grocery store parking lot experience perhaps magnified by 2. The pedestrian, vehicle stand off. The pulling out with an awaiting eager grocer right up your arse wanting your space..nothing too horrible after the offensive Too Close for Comfort Creepy. I've never held my breath so long.

There's GOT to be some sort of grocering etiquette to be observed in such times! I don't understand why we have to discover how many creepy's, weido's, and self absorbed cart ladies, all in the grocery store. I guess even THEY have to eat.