I’ve come to believe over the years that I was never meant
to live the regular life. God knows that I would have never been happy doing
things like everyone else; following the standard pattern of living that seems
to lead to the happiest sort of existence; or at least, the most ideal sort of
existence. But that’s not true either; this set pattern of happy existence. It
seems that when we take life’s most desired outcomes; education, marriage,
family, and ultimate happiness, we place them on our own special timeline and
think that if these things don’t happen within this timeline, then ultimate happiness
will not be achieved. As a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day
Saints, and living in the proverbial Mormon Mecca (that’s Utah, by the way),
there seems to be an established cultural ideal of when x, y, and z must be
accomplished or there’s something wrong; or God’ forgotten you, or you’re not
living rightly enough. It’s a culture thing, not a religion thing.
So we strive to graduate high school, attend college and/or
serve missions, ultimately meet our spouse during our educational sojourn and
most certainly pre-25 years old, start having babies… many many babies, and see
our lives spread out before us like our mothers, grandmothers, and great
grandmothers before us. That’s how it’s been done, that’s how everyone else
does it, and if it’s not in “X” prescribed timetable, somehow we feel that we’re
failing ourselves, our predecessors, and our God. My mother got married when
she was “almost 20”, my grandmother when she was 19, and my great grandmother
when she was 18. They began having children very soon thereafter and because of
this, we have gotten to know each other in a capacity that may not have
otherwise come about – in such a capacity that many do not get to know their
mothers, grandmothers, and great grandmothers. I’m grateful that my
predecessors have lived life how they’ve lived it so I can be a part of their
lives in this wonderful capacity. But it has not been my lot to live my life in
that way. Not yet.
I am now 28 years old and seem to be spitting in the face of
“the standard” which seems to come so easily to those before me, around me, and
even after me. My timeline is not considered standard protocol and for some
reason, this has caused me much angst for many years. It has caused many women
around me much angst for longer than me.
But I’ve come to realize, I was never meant to live the
standard life. I don’t think anyone is.
And I know that now.
Unlike my predecessors, I have done what would have been
considered very non-standard things for women in their generation; even in my
generation given my cultural surroundings. This can be said of the many women I
know who may feel that their not so standard time lines is their curse, rather
than their blessing. That they’re being left behind somehow; and their not
living life how they perceive it should be lived, through no fault of their
own.
As for my “non-standard” living, I’ve graduated from school
with a Bachelor’s and Master’s degree. I’ve lived on my own since I was 18. I’ve
taken on my own bread-winning role, traveled to some exotic places, and bought a
car with my own money. I’ve moved eight times in 10 years, lived by myself,
owned a cat, and assembled most of my own furniture. And just because I can
assemble a bookcase or could tell you that snorkeling in Thailand is an amazing
experience everyone should have, doesn’t necessarily make me non-standard, but
it does thwart the societal idea of “this is how it should be by now.” I do not
relate accomplishments or experiences as a “look how awesome I am” proclamation;
though to be honest more women SHOULD boast of their awesomeoness because
society does a fine job of tearing them down. Nor do I assume I would not have
otherwise done these things had my life taken on a more standard timeline nor
do I think you CAN’T do the things I’ve done with a few other things in the mix
like marriage and babies. No. I’m saying this because I’ve finally realized
that those wonderfully standard desires for life have not surpassed me simply
because I’VE surpassed the ripe old age of 25. They’ve not surpassed me because
I’ve gone to school and would like to own a house someday and get my own oil
changed. Rather, I am grateful for the unstandardness of it because I wouldn’t
be entirely happy any other way. And God knew that, He knows it. That’s why he’s
God and I’m not. That’s why His plan is always better than mine. That’s why He
knows me better than I know me and is going to set up things for my ultimate
benefit. That’s true for everyone who thinks that they’re life is somehow
missing the mark because “everyone else” keeps getting what they want and can’t
seem to grasp. There is no standard! There’s only living individual lives as
they are meant to be individually lived.
And knowing THAT makes what may seem unconventional,
completely right.
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That said, I’ve submitted my application to be a Peace Corps
volunteer.
I’ve only discussed this process with a few good friends, a
family member or two, and a girl from my Ward who served as a Peace Corps
volunteer. I’m loath to announce such things and then, for some reason or
another, have them not pan out. I’m no stranger to big goals, big plans, big
ideas, that don’t quite seem to quite pull through. I blame the plans, not my
resolve. Besides, some things are right for different reasons than I thought
they were. We have all had experiences that seemed they were going to lead one
direction, only to send you spiraling into what you think is a chaotic void,
but was the right path all along. Trust that one day your hindsight will be
20/20.
At first I wanted to wait until I was officially accepted,
the date was set, the region established, and then make a big surprising announcement
like: “I’m moving to Vanuatu for 27 months!! Anyone want to buy a teal Scooter?”
or “Tell me everything you know about farming in Sub-Saharan African.” But
instead, I have opted out of such dramatic pronouncements and slipped this
information in as a book end to my recent realization that my life isn’t meant
to be “regularly” lived, that there are no regular lives, and that joining the
Peace Corps makes complete sense; not as a way to attempt to live irregularly,
but as an acceptance that that’s how it’s supposed to be and that what is
supposed to be is the right way to be. Acknowledging that there’s someone up
there that knows more than you do about what will help you experience your best
life takes the fear or frustration or desperation or whatever it is that makes
you shake your fist at the sky, out of the opportunities before you that may,
at the time, not seem “standard” but are never the less right.
So I am committed. I’m excited. And I’m hoping that it will
all work out; knowing that no matter how it works out it has worked out.
Updates forthcoming!
