Thursday, February 26, 2009

Bad Omens and Pet Peeves

This week I encountered what I have now come to believe was a “bad omen” for the rest of the week. Not that my week has been particularly bad - I just had expectations that it MIGHT be because of this little omen I found in my bathroom, scurrying on my wall, on Monday morning. Shudder.

I freaking hate spiders. HATE them. They’re the most terrible creatures on this good Earth. Honestly – I don’t see the point of them nor do I intend to have them on any world I may ever own. “Oh they kill the bugs.” Psh. If that’s they’re only use – and it is – and it’s not even a use – I will increase the population of lizard, snake, and bird to compensate. Yes I’ve thought about this… well… I’ve argued about this with those who think Spiders were not a “creation mistake.” Whatever. Your MOM’S a creation mistake!!! Sorry… I got carried away.

Monday morning I groggily stumbled into my basement bathroom with the intent of… well… bathrooming. Our toilet kinda has it’s own little nook. Wait wait – I will take a picture to illustrate.

See how it’s a nook? Okay.


So there’s the toilet in its nook – and I notice a brown blotch of nasty crouched on the right wall in the toilet nook. I gasp! I squeak “NO!” And little nasty has been so jolted by the sudden bright lights of the bathroom that I had flicked on it – it scurries to the ground and starts to ATTACK! I’m freaking serious! It scurried AT me! It circumvented the toilet – scurried to the toilet brush – and watched. I could see all its piercing eyes watching me stand there hugging myself, balancing on my tip toes. What do I do! What do I do! I ran for it. Ran to my room and put on my large Uggz for to squish the sicky thing. I hate killing them too. This may seem like I might have compassion for ickle bugs – but no – I hate squishing them because that means I have to get near them and I KNOW they will find a way to get into my hair or on my hand or…. Shudder. I can’t go on. So the large THICK Uggz and the fact the creeper was on the floor was ideal. I could handle that. So I cautiously entered the bathroom again. There it is – still hairy and nasty and terrible – crouching by the toilet brush. It’s a face off. I take a step. SCURRY! SCREAM! DAH!!! It rushes into a space between the floor and baseboard… escaping.

NO!!! Do you have any idea what this MEANS???!?!??!?!? I could not under any sort of circumstance even consider using my nook toilet for DAYS! DAYS! I can’t render myself incapacitated like that. I mean think about it. You go to nook toilet to do your various nook toilet business and some freaky spider is just waiting for the right moment – when you’re in the middle of whatever business is required – to rush out and EAT you!!! And you can’t escape without making it awkward or a mess or BOTH! It’s literally getting caught with your pants down! Ew. Spiders WOULD do that. Evil beastys.

Thus – the first day or two after the spider incident I did not use that toilet. I had to use the ones at work or the other one upstairs – but under no circumstance was I going to risk an attack. Yesterday – I REALLY wanted to use MY personal toilet nook and decided I would go in with my Ugg boots on (which I’d naturally been doing every morning before showering… checking everywhere before I went about my routine and jumping at any sort of perceived movement in my peripheral) and do what I needed to as fast as I could. Things went well. I’ve begun to be more comfortable. And this morning – I utilized the nook toilet without the Uggz. Needless to say though – the bad omen itself made the week a little more stressful. It’s been a looooong week. I had two days in Park City doing presentations – of which I had to BE there by 7:30am. Presentations are energy-suckers anyway. I also had a DOCTORS appointment. Of the UNPLEASANT Doctors appointment sorts. Ahem. Cough. Yes. So that always makes one’s week a little more… cold and uncomfortable. It’s also only Thursday – and I remember thinking Tuesday should’ve been Thursday. That's been rough. I think I’m fighting some sort of aching sickness – AND – people keep throwing trash in the back of my truck.

I’m serious! Who does that? Is this a natural consequence of driving a truck? Does it LOOK like a garbage can to you Mr. Iceburg Shake Drinker? Ben’s Cookies Eater? Take-out orderer? Sheesh! It’s the weirdest thing! People throw their random trash into the back of MY truck! I don’t want your stinking garbage and I really don’t see how you can be in such a garbage bind as to think dumping your refuse INTO a STRANGERS vehicle is somehow your only way out. It’s disgusting. I don’t want your trash! I’m also annoyed I have to clean it out of the back of my truck and throw it away for you. Have your mothers taught you NOTHING? Do you HAVE mothers? Maybe I will open your Volvo’s back door and chuck my half eaten Costa Vida salad on the back seat. Perhaps I’ll come to your house and dump my trash on your lawn – it looks like it should go there cause – well – it’s not mine and I really do need to get rid of it right this minute.

“Honey – we need to throw away this bag of left over fries and junior bacon cheeseburger”

“Oh dear, just chuck it in the back of that 99 Ford Ranger. They drive a truck – clearly they don’t mind if there’s trash in there."

“True. Besides, they owe us. What can they expect for driving a truck?”

I mean, I'm really trying to follow the logic of the redneck fool, or yuppie Gateway princess shopper who thinks chucking her grande Decaf, no-Whip, White Chocolate, Mocha-Latte cup "like, totally in that icky truck. OMG. It looks like so, not... like my red Beamer Daddy got me for my sweet 17 and a half Birthday. Just chuck it in Brit, honey."

It's become a rather LARGE pet peeve.

So there you have it - a bad omen and people throwing garbage in the back of my truck. I think I'd take the garbage over the spider omen though. Shudder. It's time to set a bug bomb - then find some willing home teacher to come vacuum up the carcases. Mmmm, spider carcases. The best way for a spider to be - dead.

8 comments:

(light) Black And Decker said...

I like how your post went from spider hating, to something completely different, trash throwing.

Just a thought... said...

Just be grateful you've never had to live in Iraq. When my son was their "soldiering" they had to deal with camel spiders. The babies are the size of salad plates and they are ...freaking FAST!!! Nothing put the camp in an uproar more then spotting a camel spider and having to hunt it down and kill it. They have a nasty bite too.

Mrs. Cheeseball said...

Yah, so your transition from the spider to the garbage...was...um...funny? hehehehe........

I spent six and a half weeks in Samoa. Luckily, there are no snakes there. Unfortunately, there are giant spiders. Maybe someday I will tell you about the giant spider I killed. I had to, there was no way I was going to live with that thing. I, too, am a spider hater.

heidikins said...

Wow. I knew you didn't like spiders, but I had no idea the extent. This is impressive.

xox

Marisa Jean said...

My palms are sweaty just hearing about a furry brown 8-eyed (who has 8-eyes, seriously, is that necessary?) insect that can dangle from it's stomach attacking poor Andrea. Vomit. I think I just threw up out of terror. Yuck.

You should follow Michele's tactic: kill the spider by throwing ten pair of shoes at it. Then get the vacuum and suck the &*%!@ up. I REFUSE to use our basement toilet for the exact same reason you wouldn't use yours. We are spider infested and my husband thinks my hyperventalating (spelling?) is sssooo funny that he'll pick up the spiders--dead or alive--and chase me with them. Evil piece of crap.

Cory and Michele said...

Oh my heck!! This is seriously one of the, if not the, funniest post I have read on your blog. I was going to suggest throwing shoes at the evil little ugly home invader (my way of killing), but I see Marisa has already taught you my brilliant spider killing method. It works! Oh, how I loathe spiders. Do you know what is sad? I have a cat! She turns her nose up at spiders. Good for nothing...

Your Mom's a creation Mistake? So funny!!

Kimber's Blog said...

Andrea

Your blog as always brightens my day. I also hate spiders and I so I got some spider spray--that you need a license for, which I dont' have, and sprayed every inch of the carpet. Not just the corners. Every inch. I then sprayed the entire yard. I haven't seen any yet. If you want to borrow some let me know. It will kill everything in sight.

Anonymous said...

So I know this was a while ago, but I was searching for spider omens b/c a spider just ran over my FACE. BLECH! That was cause for a huge freak out. I killed it though so I can now go to bed peacefully :) I completely share your hate for those tiny black/brown icky crawly buggie things. *Shudders*