Wednesday, February 11, 2009

It’s that Time Again. Swim Suit Shopping Time (horrified scream!)

It’s a dark and stormy night. The wind whistles eerily through the trees. Something cries out mournfully in the dark. The moon creeps slowly behind an ominious cloud, shutting out any ethereal light that might offer some ray of hope on this shadowy evening. You are alone. The silence is engulfing. Something stirs in the brush…then slinks away silently into the thick wood. You see a flash of light – for a moment illuminating your surroundings – and then all is dark again. The silence is softly broken by a deep rumble in the distance…the storm approaches.
Dun dun dun.

No, this is not me being overly dramatic. I wanted to create the perfect scene for what I’m about to discuss. Swim suit shopping (horrified scream!)!!! What a complete nightmare.

I realize its February. But, that only means perhaps another month until full blown swim suit hunting begins. Pure disaster really. Shopping for a swim suit is probably one of the hardest most self-deprecating, depressing, and frustrating times of the entire year. As if realizing you’ve eaten your weight in starches and sweets every week for the last 4 months, writing it off as “oh, I can still wear bulky sweaters for at least another month or so – pass the Costco meatballs” isn’t a hefty enough indicator you really should consider hitting the gym more than twice a week; try listening to a co-worker talking about her trip to sunny Hawaii (or Mexico), or a family member packing flip flops for Spring Break in San Diego. That’s when it really hits you – oh my gosh I might have to wear a swim suit again soon too! Panic ensues. You’re stunned. How could you let yourself be blindsided (again) by the idea of lighter, tighter, lesser, clothes Spring and Summer months inherently engender? HOW!?!?? It happens every damn year! Standing there with a pumpkin spice soy steamer in one hand and your second buttery croissant in the other, glancing down at your more than a “little” squishy and definitely lumpier bod, seeing that that bulky sweater isn’t so bulky anymore, you realize what you’ve done to yourself. What those breads, cookies, desk candies, buttery croissants, oversized sweaters and loose fitting overcoats have done to you. They’ve made you feel safe, secure, FREE, and at ease in their startchy comfort and stretchy fibers. All is well in Zion, is it chocolate chip muffin? Is it? You lied to me! Then BAM! A suddenly warm piece of weather front moves through one day and SNAP your friends want to take a trip to the Caribbean in a month and though you are definitely not going because your pathetically poor and can barely afford your daily Cup-O-Noodles – you MIGHT go to the Caribbean SOMEDAY and by heaven you had best not look like the dumpy little Snowman you’ve suddenly blanched into. It’s time to get serious. Dump the steamer, finish off that croissant (because really – this is the last one so you might as well eat it) and hit that gym because sister! It’s time to go SWIM SUIT SHOPPING! Lighting strike! Thunder! High pitched cackle of hot bikini models!! Nooooooooo!!!

The quest for that perfect swim suit has begun.

You know the one I’m talking about. The one that covers what it should and stays where it should, flatters what it should, minimizes what it should, and supports where it should. And not only does it do all this but it also comes in a variety of colors and patterns for your glorious choosing. It is likely this swim suit does not exist. Well, that’s not true. I’ve heard some legends, myths if you will, of folks in far away lands that have stumbled upon such a find and have happiness and contentment for the rest of their lives. Sigh. Think of it! The perfect suit! After years and years of searching and crying and tugging and twisting and tieing and regrets and returns and…gasp…to finally find it. The one. The swim suit of all suits, and in your size and price range too! Birds fly over the rainbow, why oh why can’t I?

Because you’re a dumpy little snowman. That’s why. So let’s start there. Time to melt it off – and then take the plunge into the swim suit shopping frenzy. I’m starting early. Perhaps if I start trying things on it will not only 1. Motivate me to stop eating and start moving but 2. Perhaps I can get past the first round of suit searches before the crowds start to realize they want to go with their friends to the Caribbean someday too. It always helps to beat the rush.
Thus, here’s what I’ve found. (Note: JCrew is your best chance. I know this from years of research – trust me. JCrew.) Opinions please. If we can face this evil together –maybe – just maybe – one of us will end up with that “golden suit” this year. The one you are willing the shell out any amount of anything for: cash – favors – first borns – whatever. Some of the early options are as follows:

Vintage Classic. Can't ever go wrong...

This in the blue seersucker. I'm feeing this one the most right now.

Polka Dots! Done!

I appreciate your time on the matter. And might I throw out a “Good Luck!” to all of you who have also just realized how much those weekly baking binges actually contributed to your “sweat pants are all that fit me right now” delima. Yeeeeeah, I thought it might’ve been my drier too. Ahem. Come to find…


Mike & Emily West said...

It's ironic that I read your post this morning. Just yesterday I did the unthinkable, I purchased (gasp) that's right, PURCHASED a swimsuit top. I will be honest and let you in on a is the first article of swim wear I have bought in 6 years!!!!! WHY? Because I normally just avoid swimming OR I wear my really old but sturdy and dependable speedo with board short combo that, although NOT stylish, kept things in places they should. Anyway, so my hubby finally told me I had to get rid of it, I needed something new. SO yesterday I went to SHADE and bought a top. Andrea, I have to tell is no myth, it is the perfect top! Fits like a glove, supports the girls (not that they really need supporting) and covers (yes covers) the post-baby cottage cheese. (although, let's forget the fact that I currently will be wearing the top with a really skimpy pair of black NIKE running shorts that I have decided make a better boy-short bathing bottom than running gear)Anyway, I just wanted to let you in on this. There weren't many possibilities for me in SHADE but I did find THE ONE. If J Crew doesn't work out this year, you should check it out. (Sorry this note is so long)

Andrea Jolene said...

I am so glad (and jealous) you found THE ONE! I will be checking out SHADE just for that. We shall see! I like your long notes.

Anonymous said...

Please! Talk to me about not fitting into a swim suit after you've been married for 32 years and had four kids!!!!

Andrea Jolene said...

Hm. Touche.

Kimber's Blog said...

I loved this notes. You are the best writer. YOu may want to try Landend. They have some great swimsuits. You can order them online or try them on at Sears.

However, I too and going to start to work out and atempt to look decent in a suite--cause I don't think that I will ever look great. I have panama in April and Mexico in Oct. guess I'll start now too.