Yeah okay, so that’s not creative at all. But, the inspiration hit while reading an article on CNN about plane crashes. The article had nothing to do with it. But the sidebar next to the story I was reading showed a Netflix advert with the face of Shia LeBoeuf…ya know…Lewis Stevens from Even Stevens? Those were the days! I’m sure all ya’ll know him more from Transformers or Indiana Jones or even his brief stint on I Am Robot. I only know he was in THAT because I watched it on FX a couple Sundays ago and remember saying “Hey! I didn’t know Shia was in this! I love him!” He will always be Lewis Stevens to me though. At any rate, that’s where the inspiration comes in – again I thought “Oh I love him!” and figured, that’s kinda a weird little crush. I then started thinking of all the weird little crushes I have on dudes most girls wouldn’t glance at. I’d like to try and explain why this is – more for myself – but if you are interested by all means, carry on:
Barack Obama: This one can’t be too surprising. Not only is he the most powerful man in the world, but daaaaamn that man is good lookin! Serious! Have you seen his “moves?” The man gots moves. Plus ya know, President of the United States, winning smile, the voice of a minister, family man, so NOT Bush, and he was a Professor; a profession I pretty much find about the sexiest thing you could ever do. Academia is sexy: cord jackets with leather elbow patches, glasses, loafers, morning scruff left over from late night paper correcting and lecture planning, Mm! Which brings me naturally to…
Professors in General: I think I “squee” a little internally when someone says they’re going to be a professor. I’ve always been this way. Come to think of it – most of my crushes have had something to do with men in Academia. Indiana Jones? Dr. Jones? I’d much rather see him in his classroom teaching archeology than whipping Nazi’s – though I won’t complain about that either. Oh. Then they throw in the eternally sexy Sean Connery and make HIM a Professor too??? What are they trying to DO to me? I also find it insanely attractive how excited Profs get about their subject matter. It’s adorably endearing. Others call it “nerdy” but I call it tantalizing. Yeah….academia is hot. So hot. Guess I picked the right profession – go Higher Education! Woot!
Okay, so here’s a weird one I really don’t know if I can explain (justify)…
Phillip Seymour Hoffman: Weird, right? I kinda like him. I mean, I kinda find him attractive and I have absolutely no idea why. I’ve tried to pin point it – I mean he’s a rather portly, very red-headed man, with nothing that even remotely resembles stereotypical Hollywood man-candy, but for some reason, I like. He has a great voice. Have you noticed? Deep and melodic. That might be it. And he has this “look” in his eyes of…quiet confidence? Perhaps? He’s incredibly talented – that’s a no brainer. It’s his…manner I guess. He carries himself in a unique and attractive way. Plus – he’s rather dry, funny, seems fairly laid back, and yes, I’ll say it again, has a “manner” about him. Weird. Attractive weird.
Steve Carell: Yep. Yet again – odd one. However, I know exactly where this weird crush comes from – his sense of humor. Combine that with well, that’s about it I guess, he’s just funny. Plus he kinda has the “short stocky” build I tend to like. But really, mainly, it’s his sense of humor. I realize there are a lot of funny guys out there – younger better lookin ones – but I like his sense of humor particularly. His and Jack Black’s– though – I find Mr. Black rather gross. Awesome of course! But, gross. He doesn’t make the weird crush list. As if that redeems me from Philip Seymour Hoffman somehow. Cough.
Simon Cowell: I forget my love of him until I watch American Idol. It’s the cold British exterior combined with what is clearly a bleeding heart at the same time. Come on ya’ll! He just tells it as it is – BUT he’s not heartless. Shoot. I’d like someone to tell me I suck if I sucked. Ya know? Be the jerk to be the friend kind of scenario? Especially if it was Simon Cowell. Think about it, you’d want someone to tell you your fly is down or maybe not to go so short next time, right? Right. Now if Simon were a Professor – look out! British Academia? I need to pause and gather myself…
Anderson Cooper: this one isn’t so weird is it? I mean he’s successful, good looking, decent sense of humor, smart, Ivy league grad, and seems like a decent guy. I don’t think I need to explain this one too much – but there’s something about him that makes me do a “360.” Har har har, get it? Okay, bad joke.
Mark Koelbel of Channel 2 News: Also not so weird, right? This is a good looking man! I have a roomie who is looking for a job at several stations around SLC, and I keep telling her to apply to Channel 2 because that’s my station of choice, but mostly so I can meet Mark Koelbel. Well, we looked up his “bio” online…and it merely solidified why I like him so much. Here are some examples: Dream Job: World renown poet/or a singer songwriter, Role Model: My mom and dad, Hidden Talent: Accomplished drummer, Height: 6'1, Hobbies: Tennis, music, watching sappy movies with happy endings, Favorite Author: Hunter Thompson (rad), Favorite Moviestar: Living: Scarlett Johannson Dead: John Wayne/Errol Flynn. Cool right? That’s really the only way to describe him…cool. Oh, and married. But I can still think he’s cool and good looking. I saw him at the 7-11 near the mouth of Big Cottonwood once. Man drives a Subaru…or he did.
Angelina Jolie: It’s” weird” cause she’s a girl and so am I…not that there’s anything wrong with that. I mean it’s weird for me…cause I like boys. Ahem. Anyway, girl crush. Totally.
Jimmy Fallon: Oh my my. Also not so weird. He’s absolutely 100% adorable in every. Single. Way. Of course he’s got a fabulous sense of humor, and played a Math teacher (leather patched blazer and everything) in Fever Pitch. He’s a nice guy, nice dresser, nice glasses, nice HAIR, oh yes, I think we’ve crossed the line from “weird crushes” to “who doesn’t have a crush on that boy?” Must be time to stop.
WELL! That took up some good time! Most excellent. To conclude this post of “weird crushes” I would like to restore your belief in my “good taste” by naming my ” Top Men I would Marry Tomorrow and You Just Might Too“, In no particular order…
- Matthew Fox/Dr. Jack (duh)
Jason Bateman/Michael Bluth
- John Krasinski/Jim Halpert
- David Ducohvney/Agent Mulder
- Collin Firth/of the Mr. Darcy “Firths”
- Mr. Bingley – the Austen character of course
- Will Smith
- And Jimmy Fallon. I think he fits into this list more comfortably.
Patterns? Nerdy, nice guys with a good sense of humor, which apparently don’t really exist. Don’t worry – I’m still holding out for Singles Ward Dr. Jack…the only man I’d ever wait for. You’d wait too if you’d seen him! In the meantime maybe I’ll go rent a couple of seasons of the Office supplemented with some Mission Impossible III (for Hoffman, not for Cruise) and see if there are any syndicated episodes of The X-Files on SciFi. Good idea.