Friday, September 4, 2009

Lila and the Curious Case of the Wall-Poo

I would like you to look at a picture:
Do you see those little brown blotches on the upper corner of my wall? Here, let me zoom.

Do you see now? Do you see those little brown patches and smear of what seems to be... could it be?
YES IT IS! It's poop! Cat! Poop! And HOW - might you be wondering at this moment - did little cat poops happen to find themselves almost 6 feet up my wall? WELL! I've asked myself that EXACT same question over the last few days.

Picture if you will, a lovely evening at home vegging in front of the tube. It's been a time since you just sat for a hour in your apt mulling over what current media has devised to entertain you. I believe I was watching something like, "America's Got Talent" when I started to smell a smell of what my roomie and I have deemed "atomic poo." Lila, bless her furry little heart, once in a great while, produces an atomic poo. This poo is so rancid, so fraught with death and destruction, one wouldn't be surprised to witness tangible green fumes rising out of her litter box to poison all who come within 3 blocks of our apartment building. It's that strong. Happily this does not happen often and I'm not sure what changes that makes her "atomic poo" every couple of months. All I know is she does and oh my, it's the kiss of death.

SO! Back to the wall-poo. I start to smell the atomic smell and begrudgingly get up to scoop the offender from the box and take it directly outside. I get under the sink and grab her designated poop bags, grab the scoop, and walk towards her box. Upon arriving at her box, I notice something glistening on the ground just outside her box on the carpet. Yes. It is a piece of atomic poo. On the carpet. WHAT? Sigh. I figured she must've been a little sicky in the tummy and had an accidental escapee before making it to her box. We can all empathize right? Right? Ahem. So I scoop that and wipe it down with a Clorox wipe first... all the while trying not to breath... at all... for fear of retching at what now is starting to feel like toxic gas wafting into my nostrils. I then turn my attention to the box. And... sift around with the scoop a bit. Huh. Nothing. I had JUST cleaned her box not 2 hours before anyway, so there wasn't any "leftovers" and... no atomic poo. Could that tiny little carpet squirt have been the only culprit? That's a serious smell for one squirt.

As you know... this was not the case. I stand up, glance up (for no reason then to glance) and see those two offending poos happily sitting almost 6 feet up on the wall. My jaw hit the ground in unbelief. Immediatly I start going through every possible scenario in my head. If you look at the pics carefully, you will notice there are no pieces of furniture high enough for her to climb and subsequently butt-squirt. There's nothing she could have done, in this world of gravity and logic, to have put her poo on that wall. Unless of course (theory #1), she began by jumping from the back of our couch located a solid 4 feet away from her box, stopped mid-air, turned about so her furry butt was facing the wall, squirted, THEN (here comes the REALLY weird part) turned back around facing the wall, turned the corner inside the closet frame, did another 180, squirted TWO MORE atomic poos around the CORNER 6 feet up on the wall (true story), and subsequently land strait into her box. Uh-huh. Weird.

So... there's THAT impossible possibility, OR there's this (theory #2). Do you see the "tail-end" of the framed picture seen in the above picture #1. Do you see the latter half of a framed white cat with its tail sticking up? WELL! The wall-cat could've launched that poo nicely onto the wall. Could have! It's got the angle. Yes, I am aware it's a picture, but that would only leave me to accept theory #3.



Theory #3: I have a phantom poo'ing cat living in my apartment. Clearly ghost-cats could float in the air and pretty much do anything a human ghost can do. And if a ghost-cat wanted to poop on the wall (or take REAL poops from a litter box and place them on the wall as ghost-cats would logically have ghost-poo), they totally could! There's more evidence to support my theory of having a ghost-cat. A week prior, I was fluffing in the bathroom and Nik was in her bedroom, and we suddenly hear this CRASH! BREAK! I come out to the main area to see what it was, and a vase had fallen from the top of our bookshelf and landed with amazing accuracy on the bottom edge of the bookshelf, smashing it to pieces. Why is this weird? WELL! As I glanced up the bookshelf to see which book had fallen over and knocked that vase to the ground (aka "the reasonable explanation), no book had fallen. All was in its right place. I know the vase had been pushed towards the "middle" of the shelf and thus well away from the edge (clearly to prevent such a happening). And yet... ahem. We of course chose to ignore this instance, picked up the pieces, and never spoke of it again. Until... the curious case of the Wall-Poo. Given these two happenings, I feel a ghost-cat is the more reasonable explanation than having an embodied poo-flinging super-cat flying around my apartment squirting walls with her butt. Honestly, if you have anything else by way of reasonable suggestions - please - by ALL means. In the meantime, I maintain that we have a phantom-cat living in our apt. Though, I'm still going to choose to ignore these two instances and never speak of it again. If you ignore it, it goes away. Right? Right. Scooped. Wiped. Trashed. Forgotten. So let it be written...

8 comments:

David Hulet said...

Could your cat not have had the atomic poo misfortune, and the poo stay attached to her hind parts, and then climb your wall? At which point her nether regions rub along the wall and smear... at 6 ft up? That to me the most plausible solution.

Andrea Jolene said...

Hmm. I dunno. It sounds like more of a "Spider-Cat" explanation vs. my Super-Flying Cat explanation. Apples and oranges? Though, climbing cats vs. flying cats are much more plausible. That would still be quite the feat to poo, and then not smear it ALLLLL the way down. I may still have to go with phantom cat in the end ;)

(light) Black And Decker said...

Jarom's theory is that the cat atomic pooed on the ground and your roommate saw it and got mad and threw it at the wall.

Mine is that she got onto that shelf in the closet and had poo stuck to her fur, that got smeared off as she jumped off. I know it seems high, but I've had cats get in stranger places. Like on the roof of our house, and we still have no idea how.

Sapphire Sting said...

After a similar experience in my home growing up, we developed a phrase: "Try again, you missed the ceiling." Not the first gravity-defying poo we've seen in our lives.

Mike & Emily West said...

I am cracking up... this is the sickest, freakiest thing I have seen in quite some time. I have only one theory as to what could have transpired. Years ago I had a angrily psychotic cat who did strange things. Two, among the many, were his ability to grasp a closed door(at the little gap at the bottom, where the door meets the floor) with his front paws and shake it. The other, which is my theory for you, was that he would sometimes kick his poo after he went. Yes, kick it. After he finished his--ahem--business, he would sometimes back up and use his hind legs to fling his defications about. Sometimes it landed in potted plants, others times on the wall. I don't think any made it quite as high as your atomic poop, but it could be possible...could be...

Kathy said...

If it were me I would be checking the sleaves on the clothes/coats you have hanging in your closet as they are directly over the litter box. She could easily have climbed up them to get to the sports bag on the shelf. Maybe while suspended there she could have had her furry netherparts aimed at the wall and in her struggle to get up or down oops... out came the poohs!

Andrea Jolene said...

Kathy - I checked actually! I didn't see any sort of clawing (which would've been the end of her short fuzzy life if I had) and even still... some sort of "super cat" feat involved even if the coats helped. Emily! I laughed very hard at your psychotic cat story. The fact that thing could shake the door is other worldly. Great theories everyone! Something to ponder... yes yes

Cory and Michele said...

Bwahahahahahaha! Oh man, that's funny. And weird. I would move.