Monday, January 19, 2009

The Bachelor - or Something New and Fun to Mock



I watched The Bachelor tonight. Snicker. Doesn't seem like my kind of show does it? WELL! That's because it's NOT!'s pretty stinking funny. And by funny I mean ridiculous, catty, and even scary. Mostly scary.

I just don't get this show to be honest. I mean, okay, so there are 20 some odd girls who volunteer to go on a nationally televised prime time reality show and display every catty, pathetic, and dare I say desperate longing they have to "find the love of my life...blah blah blahtty blah." If that isn't enough - all these emotionally high strung women are supposed to compete for the same man - AND they all live together under one roof. Shudder. I can't even imagine living with 20 girls under one roof - let alone 20 girls who are all grasping for the same man's attentions. That just spells D-R-A-M-A; cat fight! I suddenly just realized why this show is still on the air. You should all be ashamed of yourselves! I'm ashamed for you! (and me ;))

That said, tonight I watched an episode where Mr. Jason (aka THE BACHELOR) picks up little miss super model Natalie for a high rise date in Las Vegas. And what Vegas date would be complete without first adorning her with million dollar jewels and taking her on a helicopter ride above the city where later she describes it as "It was so neat to see all the things that nature has - like Hoover Dam." Cricket chirp. Yes...nature things like Hoover Dam...and Casinos...and...pools.

Poor Bachelor. He's having a really hard time with this one. They take a ride on the strip in a limo, he's all hands, and mentions to the camera in passing "She's really beautiful I really want to like her (code: I really want to make out with her for more reasons than her hooters)."

He keeps trying like the trooper he is. They commence eating dinner at a schwanky little club, and he asks her ", what is unique about you?"

Natty Patty: thinking for a moment...another moment...face lights up "Oh! I really likes bears..."
Bachelor: "Oh like Kola's er...."
NatNat: "Oh no like all of them. Like, once when I was little, I lost my stuffed bear, and like it even made the news...and...wait..sorry...I just don't remember what we were talking about..." eyes glaze over, awkward pause, both sip bubbly...
Bachelor: "So you want to dance?"
Nat: "Oh like okay!"

Pan to next exclusive camera moment: "She's beautiful and beautiful. She's also really hott, I really want to like her (code: is it so wrong to go really "man" about this whole thing and grab her butt anyway?).

Pan to exclusive personal camera moment with Nat Nat: "So...we're totally connecting."

Jason and Natalie are wrapping up the date with some more booz (Jason hoping the alcohol will blurr his need for semi-intelligent conversation, and Natalie hoping it will loosin tie) and some dancing when Jason, finally, with a look of "All men in the world are going to mock me forever when I dump this hott piece of dame who seems like she really wants me right now..." sits Natalie down for the big decision. Does she get a rose?


And Natty is PISSED! She begins by making sure Jason knows that there are mean girls in the house...but like...I totally don't want to name names cause I love the girls ya know?...but should know that there are mean Erica's and Megans in the thinking of you! Like...I totally cant believe you don't want to make me. I love small people...ya know..the mini tiny adults (Bachelor: "kids?") YEAH! Love those! And I'm so ready to not party and settle down I can't believe you did this...but I love ya...Oh! Fine take the diamonds! *%^#$!!!*&$%!!! #$@&*! You #$*@&!!

And lovely Natalie is sent home. Oh, not before the Bachelor camera crew come into the Mansion a la Claws and take her bags to send with her. This causes a cat-pede (get it?) and all the girls squeal, "Oh my gosh! They're taking her bags! Oh my gosh! Lets watch them and cackle sympathy of course. That poor hott girl whom I love so dearly. Aw. I wish she were still here competing with me for the same dude."

That's the other thing - they all sit around discussing the situation with each other. It's so odd to me. When one girl is off on a date with cutsy bootsy Jaaaaaayson, they all sit around and discuss how she is good for him or like "not so good for him but totally a great girl I'm sure." Doesn't that seem weird? To be discussing the guy you are all trying to "win?" They also, of course, sit around secretly hating each other. Sending Natty Bratty home wasn't the end of the charade. Ohhhhhh noooooo. We get to see two other kitties sent home. Now lets talk about drama. They shoot an entire evening with these girls semi-dressed in semi-dresses, discussing Jason and the other girls while he ceremoniously picks each one of them to have his "one on one" time with. Naturally - they start to claw at each others eyes a little bit and when it comes down to it, you have girls rolling their eyes so far into the back of their head you think they're head might start spinning around too! Actually, one of them did keep throwing up. I don't think it was projectile green vomit - but she was so nervous and irritated at the extreme tension in the room that she had to excuse herself to vomit. Oh, she's also an obsessed stalker. Yeah - she cried when she let Jason know how in love with him she was on the Bachelorette. They just keep on recycling these people! That comment made her an excellent candidate for the next Bachelorette fooooooor sure. And she suddenly be cool, calm, collected, and calculating vs her vomitus stalking mess of a hussy. Er...meh...I already said it so I guess I'll stick with it. Hussy.
Thus, Jason lets the cats verbally say "I hate her but man I love her" for awhile, and then the ceremony begins. Two girls go home...what's her name and the shorty looking one with the "not so perky" chest. Serves her right! She should've thought "support" rather than "au natural." Please honey, no one here has organic boobies. The barfy/crier got to stay though. I'm telling you - that girl is going to be BIG! Or go "Kerry" and kill everyone. Either way - en-ter-tain-ment!

Anyway - I think I will make this a regular little blurb on my Bloggy McBloggerton. Like, Secret Bachelor DVR Monday or something. It's sick really - I watch it - laugh at it - and yet - will come back for more. It's like reading a really bad teenage vampire romance series the whole way through, even though you know you should just put it down and save the brain cells, but continue to troop on anyway. M'oh well. Stay tuned for more Secret Bachelor DVR Mondays. These are the things worth discussing...


Cory and Michele said...

I am laughing so hard at your comments like "Mansion a la Claws" and "cat-pede." So funny!! I haven't watched that show since the first season. I couldn't believe how mean all the girls were.

Kimber's Blog said...

I love reading your blog. It is so dang funny and very true. Love it and keep it up.