I didn't get to New Moon for awhile. Meh. I thought I might get to it eventually when I was extremely bored - but after going to California, coming back, having to job search and house search and clothes search - it wasn't on my priority list. My first work trip to St. George approaches and Ms. Michele - a co-worker- lends me the series for the drive. Alright. This seems reasonable enough. I'm not wasting perfectly good leisure reading time on the series, but I still get to see what the fuss is about. Alright cool. I can do that.
It began with a "velvet voice" and "granite hands." Apparently - when it comes to describing bits of Edward - Meyer felt these two points really needed to be driven home...and driven home...and driven home. Well, first vomitus chapter discussing their pukey love (of which I seriously considered turning it off and driving 5 hours in silence than endure such torture) morphed into a second chapter where Edward broke up with Bella and left. I wish I could say I was surprised - buuuuuuuut, ahem. It was clear it was coming - because if there's one thing I'd learned from the first book - it's that Meyer missed the class on foreshadowing. It means hinting that something is to come - not completely spelling it out over and over and over before it FINALLY, FIN-ALLY, happens. Sheesh! I hate knowing something hundreds of pages before it happens. I just want to get to it so we can carry on with the story. Also, I'm beginning to discover that Bella is a complete idiot. Serious. She literally needs the sun pointed out to her, "Hmm, my skin feels warm. I can see better now than I did at night. I'm squinting against some incredible light reflecting off that water...I don't understand. Edward? What is this?" He smiles his winning smile, and points at a big fiery ball glowing in the sky with his granite hand and explains with a voice of velvet, velvet, velvet "It's the Sun, Bella." ... ... ... 100 pages... ... "Ohhhh..."
We meet Jacob. Like, not as a tack-on side character this time.
I like Jacob...for awhile. Nice kid. Good guy. Not a pansy waste of a melodramatic vampire like SOME characters we know (hint: granite hands and velvet voice). But then, Jacob becomes a werewolf, ya know, to protect the good people of his tribe and the town of Forks from vampires. Oh geez!!! Wait! The vampires? The Cullens are Vampires? Protect the city against the CULLENS!?!?!? I just put two and two together!! Bella moment! The entire book is far far far....faaaaar two long. Pages and pages of her wallowing inside a hole in her chest where her "Eddy" used to be. She really thinks he doesn't love her and that's why he left her. Puh-lease. We ALL know he's Mister "I must save her from me" hero. The ultimate quality that solidifes the middle-aged woman following forever. Scoff. Hero. Well Bella jumps off a cliff because she's become reckless and stupid - and Edward thinks she's died. Ya know - cause Alice can see that - but inconveniently can't see the futures of werewolves - and thus missed Jacob saving her from the churnning water. What a pain in the arse. So what does Edward do? Well he goes to Italy to find the Volturi (enters power hungry possibly gay Aro - head of the vampire royalty) to end his life. He can not live without Bella. Over dramatic boy is going to commit suicide. I mean he can't very well go on living without her? (thus clenching teenage fantasty following). Are you freaking kidding me?!?! Well, Bella saves him. She presents herself as alive...and you'd think the story would end. Noooope. We have to sit through this whole Volturi situation and then go back to Forks and then have a confrontation with Edward and Jacob while the entire time Bella is sure Edward is going to leave her again because he really doesn't love her. The sun Bella. That warm, light, squinty thing is coming from the Sun. Look! LOOK! IT's RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE!
Verdict on Book 2 - 2 of 5 stars. And only because I did like Jacob...still on team Carlisle though.
I really don't remember what this one was about. I think it was an entire 400 pages of nothing. Hm. Let me think. Oh no - it's an entire 400 pages of Bella trying to make Edward who loves her and Jacob who loves her friends although they are mortal enemies...who love her. Borrrrrrring. I think my mind phased in and out during most of this book. It was incredibly anti-climatic. I think Meyer forgot where she was going with the actual PLOT of the story and made sure the frustrating and redundant dialogue kept on trucking...and trucking...and trucking...velvet, granite. Oh, and Jacob is "so tall with such big hands." Hand fetish anyone? So really, Eclipse, not much to say. Oh, Bella really wants to have sex with Edward and he's scared that he will break her in the process so he says if she will marry him then they can "try." She says no. HA HA HA HA! Of course she does! Oh! And she and Carlisle have a pact that he'll make her a vampy right after graduation. Which of course, Edward doesn't want. HA HA HA HA! Of course he doesn't. This is teenage true love after all. How will it all conveniently fall into place without either side having to suffer? Stay tuned. The foreshadowing will blatently tell us!
Book 3 - ? out of 5 stars. Cause really, I can't remember most of it...
Book 4 - Breaking Dawn
My hand was on the "stop it now for the love of all that is good!" button most of the way through this one. Yup. Bella and Eddy get married. I did like that portion actually. By this time I've learned to ignore Bella's dim wits and ridiculous "oh please don't try and make my wedding beautiful, Alice" attitude. Yep. Done with it. They go on their Honeymoon - which honestly - was weird. I don't want to discuss it. Let me just say twice. And then Bella gets sick. When that happened I thought "Oh no Meyer. No. You. Didn't." 200 pages of "foreshadowing" and "Bella searches for the bright warm maker" later - we find that Bella is pregnant with a half-monster baby that's beating her up from the inside. Flash to Jacob.
Because Jacob gets an entire 200 pages of this book in his own head. We get to follow Jacob's thoughts. Cut out this section and it's no big loss what so ever. Seriously ya'll! Think about it! It's rather pointless and utterly ridiculous. Sorry. Nothing redeeming...oh wait...nope, nothin.
SO! Pregnancy - being beat up from the inside - barfing blood and being ripped open by Edwards teeth to get little monster out. Freakish. I was disturbed. It was the first time I was hoping for the gooey love fests back. I almost turned it off right then. I couldn't handle how grotesque and plain stupid this whole plot was. And of course, Bella would be conveniently practically dead after all that, that Edward would have no choice but to turn her into a vampire. Luckily he had prepared a syringe full of his vampire venom to inject directly into her heart. Phew. Milked his fangs in advance. Good thinkin!
2 days later.
Bella is a vampire. And now the story picks up. After suffering through 3.5 books of melodramatic teenage love sonnets, made up words (really Meyer - only Milton and Shakespeare are allowed to make up words because...well...they're Milton and Shakespeare), predictable plot lines, no plot lines, anti-climatic plot lines, mocked foreshadowing, and grotesque spine snapping and blood barfing, the story picks up. The last half of book 4 was enjoyable. Bella was FINALLY a vampire, meaning she see's the sun a little more clearly, they're altogether, everything that's been coming and been discussed and beat to a bloody pulp since book 1 FINALLY comes to pass, and Meyer throws a plot in there that I can't see the ending of. I guess it only takes about 2,000 pages to finally start improving your writing. Maybe she signed up for a creative writing night class? Hired a better editor? Hired a better writer? Whatever it was, the last bit of book 4 redeemed, well, at least all of book 4. This one I kept going not because I have an OCD "I must finish because I started" mentality - but because I wanted to know what would happen. Because, shock of all shocks, I had no idea WHAT was going to happen or how it was going to come together. How refreshing! I also actually read the last .5 of this book. I was used to the typos - but it didn't detract from the story. "The story." I'm even going to go ahead and say, there was some really poetic sentences in that last half. It was pretty good. And I use the term
"good" loosely - but really - you can't ask for too much more. She finally came into her own with the last bit of this book. Finally. Finally...
Book 4 - 3 of 5 stars...because the first bit of the book was STILL that bad.
And there you have it. My review on the Twilight series. I would give it an overall rating of 3 of 5 stars and of course, never read them again. But hey, at LEAST I read/experienced them all before saying "I told you so." I would recommend it to those whose "other good reads" include Cosmo and Seventeen...and sexually frustrated middle-aged women. It helps with the sexual frustration. Meyer writes a pretty intense...er...vampire love scene. I was sucked in a FEW times. It was the granite hands. Mmm.
For more snide remarks http://www.ericdsnider.com/snide/my-rejected-twilight-screenplay/