The Review You've All Been Waiting For aka English Major attempts objectivity about Vampire Love Series. Ahem.

Lets start by saying - I won't be objective. :) That was to sucker you IN! No - this is purely my op-in-ion on a little series you may have heard being "squee'ed" and "sighed" over in dark corners of Middle School girl locker rooms or at "married-far-too-young-dissatisfied-and-groping-for-some-romance-and-adventure-in-their-lives-middle-aged-wives" club; Twilight. Yes I am aware of my stereotyping just now. I am FULLY aware there are more folks out there than enamored teenage girls and high strung sexually frustrated middle-aged women that read this series...read...not obsessive over. I have many a wonderful friend who LOVES them. LOVES! But lets be honest - those wonderful people are the exception to the rule...and much nicer than I am.

First, I'd like all the Twilight lovers to know that I feel strongly about experiencing something before you vomit all over it. I mocked Twilight mercilessly and hadn't read a single page. I felt it was a dark moldy patch on the words "literary series", "novels", or even more seriously and personally offensive "Harry Potter." Dammit! It is NOT like Harry Potter. Okay? There's a difference between "fad" and "classic." So lets get that out there right now. I get very defensive about my Harry Potter...my JK Rowling...her genius...the genius of the entire series! It's. Nothing. Like. Harry. However, I also get angry when people vomit on Harry Potter when they've never read it. And NOOOOOOO "I saw the first few movies" does NOT count. How many times do we have to beat the "oh wow the book is so much better than the movie" horse? Are we all really still surprised by that outcome - over and over again? Most especially since Hollywood has run out of their own ideas and now have to pay authors gobs of cash to rape...er...use their ideas. The books are always better. Try not to expect something different. Well, except in the case of Princess Bride. Any of ya'll ever read that book? Not that great.

Anyway, we're not here to discuss Harry Potter. No. We are here to discuss what one snobby English Major thinks about the Twilight series. And this snobby English Major read the Twilight series so she could informatively and ceremoniously barf all over it. What this English Major found, however, was a conflict - dare we say a paradox? This English Major perhaps, PER-HAPS, might've even LIKED parts of this painful, poorly written though impressively popular series about vampire love, wolf imprinting, over the top mushy puke fest love scenes, dim-witted antagonists, melo-drama to the utmost "Days of Our Lives" extreme, the blatant mockery of foreshadowing, and some surprisingly entertaining creative moments and, dare I EVEN say it, "against my better judgement" likability. Oh the internal conflict! Alas - let us begin...

Book 1 - Twilight

This one I actually read. Don't get your panties in a twisty. I read Twilight and listened to the rest of them on my journeys down to St. George for work. Honestly - not having to read the typos (did they even hire an editor? They fired an editor for sure) which I don't fault Stephenie Meyer for (you noticed she doesn't even spell her name "right"). It's not her fault the publishers didn't do their job. At any rate - I read Twilight. I read it in...oh...3 days. It's lengthy, but an incredibly easy read, and, well, somewhat enjoyable. I'll be honest - the first 3 pages in, I hurt inside at the run-on sentences - but again - not her fault. I kept going. Intriguing. Predictable. It began with a relocation of a backwards teenager who doesn't know how beautiful she is, yet everyone in the school insists on telling her so (eye roll). Ya know, cause misplaced and misunderstood teenage plots aren't overdone. I kept going. How could I not when I read 30 pages in about 10 minutes?

I met Edward.

Ohhhh Edward. Edward is melodramatic. Edward is a pansy. Edward is the cause of those Middle School sighs and squee's. Edward is a Vampire. Kinda cool. Being one who likes such things as X-Files and Star Trek, I liked the vampire idea. Vampire love? Well...I'll get to that. But the Cullens I liked. I liked the creativity in forming what a vampire is, what they do, how they're created, and how many of the myths surrounding our traditional vampire ideas were cleverly circumvented. Meyer created a realistic vampire - something believable - and I enjoyed that aspect of the series. I mean, who can take an age old monster myth and transform it into something modernly believable? I'm going to say not many. Not that I've seen. So Edward and Bella. The first book is about their love, being together, and it's so sickeningly pathetically gooey I rolled my eyes and scoffed out loud many times at their declarations of 17 year old true and undying love for each other. Puh-lease. Not to mention the pages and pages of repeated dialogue that drags through dregs and dregs of annoying relationship blather as only 17-year-old hormone driven teenagers (vampire or no) can do. Yeah right!! Like teenagers stop to discuss their relationship...one of them being a 17 year old dude. Clearly, a woman wrote this. But the story was entertaining, and I found myself skipping over Edward and Bella to find more enjoyment in Alice and Carlisle. You'll hear it said by many followers "are you on team Edward or team Jacob?" Well - I'm on team Carlisle. Ya know - if I pick a team.

Verdict on Book Uno: 3 of 5 stars. Not bad. But not enough for me to keep neglecting Dickens for Meyer. Just didn't seem right...

Book 2 - New Moon (4 months later)

I didn't get to New Moon for awhile. Meh. I thought I might get to it eventually when I was extremely bored - but after going to California, coming back, having to job search and house search and clothes search - it wasn't on my priority list. My first work trip to St. George approaches and Ms. Michele - a co-worker- lends me the series for the drive. Alright. This seems reasonable enough. I'm not wasting perfectly good leisure reading time on the series, but I still get to see what the fuss is about. Alright cool. I can do that.

It began with a "velvet voice" and "granite hands." Apparently - when it comes to describing bits of Edward - Meyer felt these two points really needed to be driven home...and driven home...and driven home. Well, first vomitus chapter discussing their pukey love (of which I seriously considered turning it off and driving 5 hours in silence than endure such torture) morphed into a second chapter where Edward broke up with Bella and left. I wish I could say I was surprised - buuuuuuuut, ahem. It was clear it was coming - because if there's one thing I'd learned from the first book - it's that Meyer missed the class on foreshadowing. It means hinting that something is to come - not completely spelling it out over and over and over before it FINALLY, FIN-ALLY, happens. Sheesh! I hate knowing something hundreds of pages before it happens. I just want to get to it so we can carry on with the story. Also, I'm beginning to discover that Bella is a complete idiot. Serious. She literally needs the sun pointed out to her, "Hmm, my skin feels warm. I can see better now than I did at night. I'm squinting against some incredible light reflecting off that water...I don't understand. Edward? What is this?" He smiles his winning smile, and points at a big fiery ball glowing in the sky with his granite hand and explains with a voice of velvet, velvet, velvet "It's the Sun, Bella." ... ... ... 100 pages... ... "Ohhhh..."

We meet Jacob. Like, not as a tack-on side character this time.

I like Jacob...for awhile. Nice kid. Good guy. Not a pansy waste of a melodramatic vampire like SOME characters we know (hint: granite hands and velvet voice). But then, Jacob becomes a werewolf, ya know, to protect the good people of his tribe and the town of Forks from vampires. Oh geez!!! Wait! The vampires? The Cullens are Vampires? Protect the city against the CULLENS!?!?!? I just put two and two together!! Bella moment! The entire book is far far far....faaaaar two long. Pages and pages of her wallowing inside a hole in her chest where her "Eddy" used to be. She really thinks he doesn't love her and that's why he left her. Puh-lease. We ALL know he's Mister "I must save her from me" hero. The ultimate quality that solidifes the middle-aged woman following forever. Scoff. Hero. Well Bella jumps off a cliff because she's become reckless and stupid - and Edward thinks she's died. Ya know - cause Alice can see that - but inconveniently can't see the futures of werewolves - and thus missed Jacob saving her from the churnning water. What a pain in the arse. So what does Edward do? Well he goes to Italy to find the Volturi (enters power hungry possibly gay Aro - head of the vampire royalty) to end his life. He can not live without Bella. Over dramatic boy is going to commit suicide. I mean he can't very well go on living without her? (thus clenching teenage fantasty following). Are you freaking kidding me?!?! Well, Bella saves him. She presents herself as alive...and you'd think the story would end. Noooope. We have to sit through this whole Volturi situation and then go back to Forks and then have a confrontation with Edward and Jacob while the entire time Bella is sure Edward is going to leave her again because he really doesn't love her. The sun Bella. That warm, light, squinty thing is coming from the Sun. Look! LOOK! IT's RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOUR FACE!

Verdict on Book 2 - 2 of 5 stars. And only because I did like Jacob...still on team Carlisle though.

Book 3 - Eclipse

I really don't remember what this one was about. I think it was an entire 400 pages of nothing. Hm. Let me think. Oh no - it's an entire 400 pages of Bella trying to make Edward who loves her and Jacob who loves her friends although they are mortal enemies...who love her. Borrrrrrring. I think my mind phased in and out during most of this book. It was incredibly anti-climatic. I think Meyer forgot where she was going with the actual PLOT of the story and made sure the frustrating and redundant dialogue kept on trucking...and trucking...and trucking...velvet, granite. Oh, and Jacob is "so tall with such big hands." Hand fetish anyone? So really, Eclipse, not much to say. Oh, Bella really wants to have sex with Edward and he's scared that he will break her in the process so he says if she will marry him then they can "try." She says no. HA HA HA HA! Of course she does! Oh! And she and Carlisle have a pact that he'll make her a vampy right after graduation. Which of course, Edward doesn't want. HA HA HA HA! Of course he doesn't. This is teenage true love after all. How will it all conveniently fall into place without either side having to suffer? Stay tuned. The foreshadowing will blatently tell us!

Book 3 - ? out of 5 stars. Cause really, I can't remember most of it...

Book 4 - Breaking Dawn

My hand was on the "stop it now for the love of all that is good!" button most of the way through this one. Yup. Bella and Eddy get married. I did like that portion actually. By this time I've learned to ignore Bella's dim wits and ridiculous "oh please don't try and make my wedding beautiful, Alice" attitude. Yep. Done with it. They go on their Honeymoon - which honestly - was weird. I don't want to discuss it. Let me just say twice. And then Bella gets sick. When that happened I thought "Oh no Meyer. No. You. Didn't." 200 pages of "foreshadowing" and "Bella searches for the bright warm maker" later - we find that Bella is pregnant with a half-monster baby that's beating her up from the inside. Flash to Jacob.

Because Jacob gets an entire 200 pages of this book in his own head. We get to follow Jacob's thoughts. Cut out this section and it's no big loss what so ever. Seriously ya'll! Think about it! It's rather pointless and utterly ridiculous. Sorry. Nothing redeeming...oh wait...nope, nothin.

SO! Pregnancy - being beat up from the inside - barfing blood and being ripped open by Edwards teeth to get little monster out. Freakish. I was disturbed. It was the first time I was hoping for the gooey love fests back. I almost turned it off right then. I couldn't handle how grotesque and plain stupid this whole plot was. And of course, Bella would be conveniently practically dead after all that, that Edward would have no choice but to turn her into a vampire. Luckily he had prepared a syringe full of his vampire venom to inject directly into her heart. Phew. Milked his fangs in advance. Good thinkin!

2 days later.

Bella is a vampire. And now the story picks up. After suffering through 3.5 books of melodramatic teenage love sonnets, made up words (really Meyer - only Milton and Shakespeare are allowed to make up words because...well...they're Milton and Shakespeare), predictable plot lines, no plot lines, anti-climatic plot lines, mocked foreshadowing, and grotesque spine snapping and blood barfing, the story picks up. The last half of book 4 was enjoyable. Bella was FINALLY a vampire, meaning she see's the sun a little more clearly, they're altogether, everything that's been coming and been discussed and beat to a bloody pulp since book 1 FINALLY comes to pass, and Meyer throws a plot in there that I can't see the ending of. I guess it only takes about 2,000 pages to finally start improving your writing. Maybe she signed up for a creative writing night class? Hired a better editor? Hired a better writer? Whatever it was, the last bit of book 4 redeemed, well, at least all of book 4. This one I kept going not because I have an OCD "I must finish because I started" mentality - but because I wanted to know what would happen. Because, shock of all shocks, I had no idea WHAT was going to happen or how it was going to come together. How refreshing! I also actually read the last .5 of this book. I was used to the typos - but it didn't detract from the story. "The story." I'm even going to go ahead and say, there was some really poetic sentences in that last half. It was pretty good. And I use the term
"good" loosely - but really - you can't ask for too much more. She finally came into her own with the last bit of this book. Finally. Finally...

Book 4 - 3 of 5 stars...because the first bit of the book was STILL that bad.

And there you have it. My review on the Twilight series. I would give it an overall rating of 3 of 5 stars and of course, never read them again. But hey, at LEAST I read/experienced them all before saying "I told you so." I would recommend it to those whose "other good reads" include Cosmo and Seventeen...and sexually frustrated middle-aged women. It helps with the sexual frustration. Meyer writes a pretty intense...er...vampire love scene. I was sucked in a FEW times. It was the granite hands. Mmm.

For more snide remarks http://www.ericdsnider.com/snide/my-rejected-twilight-screenplay/

Unexpected St. George Road Buddy. Thanks for the..company?

I am in St. George again for work. Really ya'll, it doesn't get more exotic than this. Lets. Be. Honest. HEY! Snicker if you want - but while you're all braving yet another freakish blizzard of death in SLC - I will be in St. George enjoying 52 degrees of winter relief. I hope your cackles freeze right in your THROAT! Wow...hostility. Excuse me. Let me start this over...

I am in St. George again for work. It's probably the longest drive ever. No, it isn't...clearly there are longer drives...er...ever...but it sure is long and boring. It's just...strait. And just...goes. On and on. They have at least 10 "drowsy driver" signs along the way that make you anxiously glance at the few cars cruising next to you to notice if they are looking bleary eyed and "weavy" inclined. Maybe they could shake things up and put up clever billboards that say things like "Poop" or "Just checking to see if you are alert" to see if people are paying attention. Did I used "clever" and "poop" in the same sentance just now? Anyway, luckily my good work-pal Michele provides MUCHOS entertainment for my long drives by letting me borrow her books on CD. Even when they get stolen out of my car she nicely allows me to take more! What a friend (what a sucker?)! Funny thing is - I didn't really admit that her books on CD had been stolen with my other wondrous music last week until, er today. Ahem! Ha! My brilliant plan was to secretly replace the lost books and give them to her when I was "done listening" to the obscure series about creeper vampire love I'd just like to finish so I can informatively mock it. ;) In fact, since moving (pictures and post to commence on my oober cute new house and super hot roomies next week), I found that one of my new roomies owned the series and snagged the 4th book so I could still "update" Michele on the story, and of course I wanted to finish it. Why suffer through 3.5 books and just stop? No. Can. Do. Such a clever plan though, right? I mean, if I'm updating her then clearly I'm still "listening" to the story. Ahem. Well, Michele happens to be smart and mostly figured out that her CD's were stolen - but then of course I threw a wrench in her theory with the daily "so this is where I'm at now" updates. She said she wondered about that - but didn't want to say anything. I came clean today though...when she gave me Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Love, Pray because I was "almost through listening" to Breaking Daw...I mean...the 4th installment of the obscure vampire series of which I will have a conflicted review (stay tuned). POINT! Books on CD make long drive enjoyable...or rather...endurable. And Michele saw through my crappy "cover up."

SO!

I was listening to Eat,Love,Pray (which I'm really loving...especially after...ya know..the other series), and between the small town of Nephi and 100's of miles of strait lined highway NO WHERE - I notice this car...

You can't see the license plate (or the car very well for that matter. Sorry - cell phone picture) - but it says "Endliss." Okay. What does that even mean? I could think of a few ironic meanings. I really dislike vanity plates - but that's another rant for another time. At any rate, I notice this car because for the past 45 minutes of driving - it had passed me - then fell back - then passed me - then fell back - then passed me...well you get the idea. I had no idea how long I'd had this "pass and fall back" road buddy...but clearly long enough I'd finally noticed a pattern. Weird. Doesn't it always seem like you find a nice little group of "road buddies" your constantly noticing when you are both driving on the same long stretch of highway between civilizations? Sometimes? It encourages commrodery I think; "We are on this journey together. We might as well keep each other "car company."" Well it happens for sure. But THIS car - well - it was genuinely odd. It also made me nervous. The left front side of the car was a little smashed and bashed. So you have to immediately judge the driver as being crappy. Oh come on! You do it! Don't you just look at a slightly bashed car and think "Oh great...clearly this person can't drive that well because there car is battered." Sure it might not have been their fault. But just like seeing a cop passing you in the opposite lane even though you aren't speeding or doing anything illegal, you immediately straiten your shoulders, stiffen your posture, and try to "subtly" make your way far away from them anyway. Yup. We do that with dented and bented cars for sure. It's not great evidence of the drivers ability and I'm not taking any risks hoping that I've judged them harshly. I'd rather save my car!

Well this car looked a little smashed. Between this "evidence" of "possible" lack of driving skills and the drowsy driving signs warning that "you had better pull over if you want to live" - I was a little antsy about this car being my "road buddy." Pass. Fall back. Pass. Fall back. I had the cruise on my rented Grand Prix set at 80mph. A nice, reasonable speed, and mainly contained myself in the right lane. Pass. Fall back. Pass. Fall back. DAH! Come on girl! Pick something! "Endliss." Psh. Either pass me and leave me be. Or fall and back and hang tight! Shoot! She'd pass on the downhill, and I'd catch her on the uphill. On and on this went and all I could do was watch her taunt my little car which classically drove at the exact same speed for 2 hours more hours of nowhere. It was like a bouncy puppy jumping around an old and mature senior dog. Did I just describe myself as an old and mature senior dog? Rock. Bottom.

Well anyway

Puppy car got bored with me and finally passed me completely when I hit the first Cedar City exit. Thank Goodness. Though, I did feel like we bonded a little bit being road buddies for so long. It was like a "I hate you but thanks for hanging" moment. It was the passing and falling back that got annoying...over...and over...and over.

Good thing I had something to keep my mind occupied - er - other than safely and non-drowsily driving of course - instead of just sitting there watching this "commitment phobe" driver try and make "to pass or not to pass" decisions. Some people just take time.

Anyway,thanks Michele for helping make my drive more endurable. And I promise if these CD's get stolen I will tell you immediately.

New Years Resolutions (aka Really Original Post I'm Sure No One Else Will Think Of)

Come on ya'll. It's January 1st! Of COURSE I'm going to talk about New Year's resolutions. Duh. I won't bore you with the sentimental blather of "Oh it's a New Year...a New Beginning"...okay I might. I feel like 2008 was probably the most...intense year I've ever experienced. So many incredible ups and downs - so many difficult lessons thankfully learned - refinement - maturity - phew. Yup. I'm pretty glad 2008 is over. So let it be written, so let it be D-O-N-E - Doooooone!

SO! That SAID! Here they are. New Years Resolutions. Expect the usual...

• Healthy Living - duh. I have a crock pot now and have lately become obsessed with vegetarian meals. Though I've not had the "kitchen freedom" to cook to my hearts content - since I'm finally moving into my own little place again - I'm going to be a cooking crazy! And I want to eat to feel good - not just look good. You can post that quote in your kitchen on a cutesy home made plaque if you'd like. I want to cook a lot. I really like it. I'll predictably throw in exercise and drink more water in here too. Who doesn't resolve to exercise? But I'm a fairly consistent exerciser so I'm not TOO worried about that one. I like me a good sweat. Guys like a chick who can sweat. Sexy. (ahem)

• Learn 4 new piano songs - one of which includes mastering Pachelbel's Cannon in D. My new roomie has a piano. No excuses not to practice. Now to choose 3 other songs. I just listened to Rachel Yamagata's The Reason Why. Yeah...maybe that one. Mix it up - one classic - one contemporary - what else? Suggestions? Oh - I really want to get Dawn from the Pride and Prejudice soundtrack down too. I've been working on it when I can - but honestly - I should have it by now. Okay - one more. Now you may suggest things...

• Practice my guitar. Yep. Eating vegetarian meals and strumming on the strings. Ultimately, I will be a hippy. Just gonna say I want to be better at that. With all these music goals I'll soon look like Bert in Mary Poppins! Ya know! At the first of the movie when he has the accordion, the big drum strapped to his back, the horn attached...to..his..shoul...ahem. Okay...maybe not..moving along..

• Finish writing that novel. Isn't that one of the great American dreams; start your own business,  and write the next great American novel. I choose the novel track. Look for me in the young adult section end of next year...ahem...ideally.

• Go somewhere I've never been. I'm pathetically poor and want so much to travel it makes me hurt inside. So, this year, I just want to go somewhere I've never been before. It doesn't have to be anywhere exotic or unique (though I wouldn't say no to Thailand - especially a really great Island called Koh Tao or Turtle Island with beach side bungalows and scuba diving and beautiful scenery, white beaches, blue clear water...did I mention the bungalows! Nope...wouldn't say no at all), but just so's I've never been there. I've never been to Seattle. Wouldn't mind going there. Anywhere on the East Coast would be new. Goodness - I've never been to Lake Powell in my very own state. I just want to go somewhere I've never been (Koh Tao, Koh Tao, Koh Tao). Dat's all.

• Get another kitty. :) That's it. I just want a kitty. A black one with green eyes - I shall call her Daphne. Aw. Ickle Daphne. Ooo - maybe an orange striped one called Traddles. Yeah. Traddles. 
  

Alrighty. Pretty boring right? I know. Health. Music. Writing. Travel. Ickle Kitties. WELL! Those are the things that interest me and make up the "good" in my life. They make life more livable. 2009 will be happy. That's really the all encompassing resolution for 2009 - be happy. Just be happy. And get Daphne...and check itineraries for Koh Tao. 

Because really, there's always more that you can lose...apparently

It seems like when you have given everything away - and have basically nothing - the world still finds something else to snag. Isn't that always the way? Yesterday morning I discovered that someone had broken into my Truck of Doom and stolen all my CD's. Every bit of my music. I loved my music! And now it's no more. I have an IPod - but what with all the selling of everything (read laptop) and moving around so much I haven't really had "convert all CDs back to Ipod" on my "to do" list lately. Silly me. What was I thinking? Oh, that life might hand be me a teaspoon of MERCY! Not a chance. ;)

The good side is they didn't take my actual CD player nor my new Christmas crockpot. Guess criminals aren't into slow cooking. They did take my MAT study guide. So that's annoying. And stressful. I'm going to fail that thing anyway but still - the study guide helped me LOOK serious about MPA school. Maybe it's a sign... ... ... Naaaaaw. I'm still going. Though, I think I will look at a few other schools "just in case." Higher Education is suffering some budget cuts - so everyone is a little on edge about their J-O-B's ya know? Wouldn't hurt to look around a bit for school.  Anyway - the CD robbers also didn't take my BYU IS umbrella or my two copies of the Book of Mormon in the dash compartment. Ha. Figures.

It's a really good thing I'm so happy for my move into my own place or I'd probably just go lie in the middle of Redwood Road. I know I won't feel the full "loss" of my music until I'm driving to Emery County or finally finish my book on CD and have a hankering for The Weepies or Joshua Radin or Garden State soundtrack or MoTab. Sigh. Oh what we don't appreciate until we've lost it. Unless it's weight. I don't think I'd ever appreciate having all these Holiday pounds attached to me all year round. I'd like to lose some of those! Eh?

It's a Wonderful Life...

We have a Christmas tradition at my house. Okay, we have a lot of Christmas traditions, like going to my Grandma's in Emery on Christmas Eve to open some gifts, eat, and hang with the family. My Grandma's house is my favorite place in the entire world. I love it. We also let one of "the boys" cook Christmas morning breakfast - giving the women's a break from the unspoken traditional cooking assignments. I've done these few things every Christmas since I was born. I've never spent Christmas anywhere but in Emery - and even though half of the grandchildren are "all growed up" - we still all take a break from our various "lives" and make it to Emery for Christmas. Though we all seem to realize the absence of magic small children bring to Christmas. I'm the oldest grandchild on my mom's side - and the youngest is now 13. It seems like the time has come for simple childhood excitement and faith. Course - that would mean one of the 4 of us "of marriage age" would have to get married. Unfortunately none of us are even remotely close. Ha. All in good time.

There was one person missing this year - my little brother Nick who is serving a LDS mission in Madagascar. We got to talk to him for awhile today - and it improved my life to talk to him about things that are so much bigger, so much more important, than any of my silly stresses and petty concerns. Talking to a missionary serving in a 3rd world country, seeing how much they grow and change, is a humbling experience. It puts things into perspective. It reminds you how much you have - and how much you can give. I have a dream that one year when I have my own little family - we will take everything and anything we would've spent on Christmas and find a way to help someone else - perhaps go to Mexico and help build a school or bring supplies to an orphanage in Northern Africa. There are always ways we can help - and always more we can give.

I got some great things for Christmas - some novels, a cookbook, a crock pot, some movies, and a some perfume. Even better though, I also found a place to live. Finally. Finally after months and months of living out of suitcases and feeling like a lost and lonely transient, considering places appropriately referred to as "The Den of Rape", and feverishly clawing my way back into a "normal existence" - I found a house. A house with a kitchen and a dishwasher. A house with beautiful wood floors, lovely bedrooms, and a fireplace. A house in Holiday near grocery stores and freeway entrances. The best part - it's a house in my price range with lovely girls - one of which owns a PIANO. I know, right? As if finding a adorable house in a good location with a great price and nice roomies isn't enough - I get access to a piano too. And so help me I'll be using it! I'm signing the lease on Monday and will be moving in on January 3rd. I'm so excited, so relieved, and so grateful to have my own room, a kitchen to cook in, and a piano to play on after feeling out of place for so long.

Now - I started out this post talking about Christmas traditions. One other tradition we have on Christmas Eve at my house, after coming back from Grandma's in Emery, is to all gather around the TV and watch Jimmy Stewart in "It's a Wonderful Life." We all love this movie. I get choked up every year. And every year, I learn something new, I notice something different when I watch it that improves my life. This year...I found myself in Jimmy Stewarts character George Bailey. If you aren't familiar with the movie - suffice it to say George Bailey had big dreams. He wanted to go to college, he wanted to "get away" and travel the world. He wanted to be an explorer ever since he was born, and he tried to take every opportunity to make it happen. He scrimped and he saved and he planned. However, through events beyond his control and unforeseen circumstances and obligations, George Bailey never did go to college, or travel the world, or become a great explorer. He stayed in Bedford Falls. He ran his father's business he was trying so desperately to leave. He married and had a family. It wasn't what he had planned. He felt he had tried his best, and lost his dreams. He felt he'd done everything good and right, but was still losing in the end. He felt that the world would've been better had he never been born. However, when his wish was granted and he was shown what the lives of the people he loved, the town he served, would've been like without his influence, it turned out that George Bailey had made a difference - but in effect - his life had turned out exactly how it was SUPPOSED to - even though he thought that it wasn't what he'd wanted. Even though he had planned differently.

"Each man's life touches so many other lives. When he isn't around he leaves an awful hole, doesn't he?" remarked Clarence - George's guardian angel.

The part that taught me this year was George Bailey realizing that though his dreams he thought he always wanted hadn't panned out - that he'd been on the cusp of what he thought he'd wanted - what he thought would make him happy - wasn't what was meant for him at all. That perhaps, there was a very different plan for him. A better plan. Something more than what he dreamed. This year - watching that movie - talking to Nick - and reevaluating what's really important to me and what really DOES matter in the world - made me realize that it really is a wonderful life we are given. It's something that we can share with others - and create real meaning in their lives. Feeling useful, feeling like you MAKE a difference, would be more meaningful than any material Christmas present I could ever receive.

I saw dead people....oooooo....

Okay okay, so that's about a cliché a way to start out an "I went and saw the Body Worlds 3 Exhibit yesterday" as you can get. But it's still KIND OF clever right? Oh what's that you say? Over-used? Psh! Whatever. The Six Sense lives on.

You all know what I'm talking about when I say Body World's right? It's like a "human museum" of sorts displaying cadavers in a variety of positions and poses depicting our amazing human bodies, how they function, and what it all means. Brilliant. Amazing. I wish I would've paid extra for the head set. Yeah I really do. The entire time I knew, though I was awed, that I probably didn't appreciate it like a scientist, doctor, or even someone just plain fascinated by the human body in general, might. I've had friends who have gone or are going to medical school, dental school, becoming scientific researchers, that I couldn't help but think of as I observed the incredible abilities of the human heart, the intricate map of the nervous system, or the intimate workings of the ear. I read all the little paragraphs they had by each display and still felt like I wasn't even close to grasping how truly incredible it all was. It made me want to exercise more and eat better. True! And if I were a smoker I would've quit then and there. It was powerful.

Also, I was worried I might be a little freaked out. I have an over-active imagination and one of the things I constantly fear is that something that is apparently dead will suddenly open its eyes or reach out and throttle me! I am an X-Files fan (sans latest movie – disaster) and Scully was always hanging out in the morgue with dead bodies. Oh man. I just KNEW they were going to sit up! Or open their eyes! Or twitch their hand! Shudder. I also watched a lot of ST:TNG (that's Star Trek the Next Generation for you non-"cool" people) and Dr. Crusher was ALSO always around dead bodies in Sickbay and I KNEW one of them would sit up too. In fact! There was one episode where there were about a dozen dead bodies all lying under sheets – and of course she's in there alone being scientifically cool – and she goes to leave and then pauses at the door. Of course we can only see the back of her head. She then slowly turns around and EVERY ONE OF THE SHEET COVERED DEAD BODIES IS SITTING STRAIT UP! I screamed along with her. I was very disturbed.

Anyway – this was nothing like that. Although – I DID stare into the face of the "jumping over the hurtle" cadaver to see if it would suddenly blink. Never did though. At any rate it's an incredible exhibit. I encourage everyone – young and old – English major or Anatomy student – to go check it out. And get the headphones. It costs extra – but I think I would've benefited from it greatly. Or perhaps I should've just found someone who would've been like an English Major in the British Library to be my "information desk" throughout the entire thing. That would've been helpful. I thoroughly enjoyed it anyway and am very glad I finally got to go see it before it moves on. Hurry! You only have a couple weeks left! And try not to think of them blinking, moving, or jumping off their little stands to throttle you. Shiver.

The Final Word

This is what I find awesome about this.

1. Most comments come from "ex-Mormons" who are glad they got out of the "cult." There is a lot of personal hurt and bitterness there. I sincerely hurt for that. I know it hurts. Most of my family have chosen different paths that don't include the Church - and of course I love them and respect them and who they are. They are better than a lot of "members" I know. They are the kindest people in the world. It's not about being Mormon or not being Mormon.

This post isn't about non-member acceptance.

2. If I must repeat the point - it's not the sex - it's the label Mormon Mom's in conjunction with standards and principles the church is against - one of those being modesty, propriety, and morality. It's like putting "Peace" on a war crime roster or "Freedom" on a picture depicting slavery. It. Doesn't. Make. Sense. You all seem to think I'm "condemning" these women for the bare shoulders and cleavage. No. I'm not condemning them. Not at all! Rather, I AM frustrated that they would say "I'm A MORMON Mom" when what they did isn't an accurate depiction of Mormon Motherhood. Then there are others who are going to the extreme of "Oh well if she doesn't think that this calendar is appropriate she must be jealous, depressed, or submissive." Bwahahahah! Oh if you only knew me. My brother would laugh at the idea that I'm a submissive girl. In fact "fem-nazi" was a favored term of his.

This post is not about "sex is evil." Or "religion makes you ignorant." That's always a personal favorite of mine, "I'm too smart...I'm too free for standards!"

3. Yes. True. I was angry and frustrated. Yes, true, I should've taken some deep breaths. BUT, as previously stated, my opinion is the same. It's not right I freaked out - BUT my words stand. Lesson learned: talk calmly of things that upset you. Noted.

However, this post is not about perfection - anyones.

4. Yep. It is about personal choice. You made it - and you have people who will disagree with it. I guess we're all in the same boat there, eh? I think it's wrong, other's think it's okay. Well, agree to disagree, right? I just can't wrap my head around the "I'm Mormon but only some of the time" idea.

This post IS about black and white...because soon...there really won't be any gray. No more fence sitting. No more living in and of the world. And this is very VERY much my personal opinion - but really - you've gotta choose who you will serve. Who's standards are more important? What do you REALLY believe is right, and what do you really believe is wrong? Yes, black and white.

5. I'm still not here to sooth your personal bitter arguments with the Church. THOUGH - if it DOES make you feel better to rant about it - I hope you feel like you got a fair shot. I posted everything (mostly - there were a few I didn't think very - oh - constructive) - so I hope that counts.

Though - this post isn't about your personal vendetta.

6. Alot of comments were pointing out hypocrisies they see everyday associated with the Church...or rather..some of its members. Do you realize that we are on the same side? I mean - I agree!! I don't think anyone who carries the mantle of a religion or creed and then acts in the completely opposite way is in any way right. I know I've done it! And I know I wasn't right! So yes, I agree, (especially that "living in Utah Valley" commenter), there's a "culture" aspect that has been propagated by the religion that just doesn't seem to fit. This calendar is most emphatically added to that list.

Then again, this post isn't about stereotypes...at least it wasn't for me. Everyone seemed to turn it into that though. It morphed into "Judgemental!!! Old-fashioned!! (which is apparently a social taboo) Self-Righteous!!! Close-Minded!! Oh and my favorite "YOU MUST BE UGLY AND SINGLE!"" Ha - well I am single. ;) Everyone - I just found it hypocritical and degrading. Plain as that.

WELL! Thanks for the comments, thoughts, and discussions. I've definitely learned a great deal (one being to post more calmly...though again...opinion is the same), and I hope you all feel like you got your words out. No one has still explained the logic of how this calendar still falls in line with LDS standards and teachings...oh...that's probably because it doesn't. But I've heard a lot of "justifications" and grappling for "understanding." I still don't see how it's okay to represent an entire religious faction without including the standards it sets. It's a mockery of them. I guess that's it...that's why it sparked such a fire in me...I felt it was mocking true and right standards. Suggesting that "Oh yes yes we PREACH that...but come come...that's so old fashioned. I want to be liberated (which apparently is synonymous with sex) and no Church is going to tell ME I can't", just doesn't seem to fall in line with real belief to me. AND - don't take me wrong - I do not think that if you're not perfect you don't really believe - no no no - cause that really is ridiculous. What I mean is - if you are blatantly making decisions that you KNOW are against any organization you belong to, and then reveling in it without any sort of remorse - then doesn't it make you wonder if you really believe any of it?

Anyway - this calendar is degrading. It's degrading because it's hypocritical. It goes against the Mormon Church, yet they put the label "Mormon" on it. That isn't right. Black and White.