Tuesday, December 16, 2008

The Bitterness Syndrome is seriously trying to take me down.

Bitterness is terribly unattractive. Am I right? And "unattractiveness" is just the peak of it. You ever met a bitter old hag before? I'm in Singles Wards so I've met a few. Ha. Oh that's terrible...terribly TRUE! SNAP! Seriously though - I'm going to be very candid and say that bitterness is probably one of the most unattractive and unfortunate characteristics someone can possess. It not only eats up someone's insides, but makes them mean and unpleasent to be with. It's like a moldy Birthday cake or opening a can of rotten tuna in a flower garden. It's like the ultimate level of pessimism. The ultimate "glass half empty" perspective. It's your definitive "acid rain."

More candidness (it's not a word - but I've been listening to Stephenie Meyer and she makes up all sorts of words - tasteable being one of the most recent. Seriously?) forthcoming. Single people can fall into a very particular pot of bitter; the bitterness of hating the opposite sex. Yeah. Kinda counter productive in my mind - bitterness being so extremely unattractive. They tend to say the word "typical" a lot when witnessing a stereotypical attribute of the opposite sex and it positively FLOWS with venom. There's also those who have become bitter towards life in general - thinking anything good that happens can't last - that it isn't real. These kind of folks loose hope and don't dare be happy - because they're so soured against it ever panning out. There's the kind of bitterness that stems from years of hard work seeming not to count for anything. Finding that all the time, effort, and hard work you put in didn't exactly have the result you hoped - no - that it was SUPPOSED to have. There's a bitterness that poisons someone who had an entire life planned, and see's others living what they've always wanted. They fall into cynicism and think everyone seems to be living those lives that they'd love to have; but don't. Their bitterness and cynicism morph into hate - and they turn their backs on the world.

Those are only a few examples of how bitterness can seep into a person's heart and eat them from the inside out. Sometimes in those moments (or months ;)) I struggle the most - I wonder what I would look like if the hurt inside were manifest on the outside - on my skin. Sometimes I think I'd look like I was beaten with a large bat - all covered in bruises and bleeding. Don't you ever feel like you've been kicked inside? I likewise wonder what bitterness, those who have lost faith in good things and hope for the future, would look like on the outside. I imagine something resembling dark green mold or black rotteness, or maybe something more hopeless like withered skin or a sickly, translucent palor.

That said - it seems like bitterness is out to snag me. How's that for irony? You've all heard the "how Europe fell through and my life has been in shambles for quite sometime now" story. But I always believed that it would merely take time and effort for things to start looking up again. I mean you hit I point where there's not much else you can lose, ya know? Once you almost grip your dreams - snag all those things you've ever hoped and wished and prayed for for your entire life - and then lose it - you can't help but believe it can ONLY get better.

Today, bitterness really took a charge at me. I've been apt searching for awhile. I need to be out of my Aunt's house by the first day of January. Of course she's not kicking me out! They just need the room for another "squatter", and it's time for me to move on. I've looked and called and felt pretty hopeful about many apts. The most recent one I looked at - awesome location, awesome roomies, awesome location, and decent price - I felt sure I would be moved into by this weekend, fell through. Again. Today "the girl" informed me that she'd decided not to move out and the apartment wasn't available. I'd been waiting 5 days; 5 days now lost to search for a place, to hear that verdict. I admit I was pretty disappointed. It was hard to swallow - and I really didn't think my insides could take anymore disappointment. It added a black eye to my "if my insides were outside" bruises. It's like picking at a scab or stitches being removed too soon. It just bleeds and hurts again, ya know? All I could do was shake my head and mumble "Of course not..." In that spirit I also read a few blogs and one I frequent just posted about how she travels to really exotic places for her job and had just spent some time in one of those exotic places. Oh, did I mention she also just got engaged? Yeeeeeah. Sigh. I sighed outloud just now reading it...and felt another little tiny bit of that bitter bug bite me for the first time in my life. I thought how much I just wanted a modest little space of my own, pay that allows me to have it, a vehicle that I'm not constantly scared of driving, and yes, lets admit it, a tiny bit of companionship to bring it all home - in cat or boy form. Whatever. It doesn't seem like much! I want those things so much I can FEEL it pull at me all the time...I was starting to feel bitter. I thought maybe I would just give up those modest dreams and realize that maybe those things I considered simple desires - just plain weren't for me. Then SNAP! I was really jolted by the intensity of that bitter feeling. It freaked me out! I'm not a bitter person! No need to add withered skin to my bruised body! I usually just roll with the punches and am extremely stubborn about hanging on to my dreams...even if they've all seemed to grow moldy, turn black, and fall at my feet.

The point is - though homelessness is looming - I don't make nearly enough money to feel - oh - "taken care of" - and I push and push until I don't think I can push anymore - I'm not letting that bitterness syndrome snag me! Not this time! YOU HEAR THAT BITTERNESS??!??! EH? The last thing I need is to add a severly unattractive quality to my already (and still) rather pathetic existence at the moment. I won't have any of it! And to hold me to that promise - I blogged about it. That's right! Internet - you are holding me accountable. And even when I'm living in a HD-TV Box on Temple Square in two weeks - I will be HAPPY about it and won't ever shake my fist at the sky in self-centered indignation. The bitter bug will NOT get me this winter, nor ever, no matter what.

So let it be written...so let it be done.


heidikins said...

I'm still tripping about the "I'm listening to Stephanie Meyer" comment...really? how is it?

And in all seriousness, I am sorry doll. This will get better. It will. Something will pull through.


Andrea Jolene said...

It's ridiculous. ;) But does help the looooong drive. Sometimes I audibly make vomit noises - and frequently sigh and roll my eyes - but I'm also intrigued by the story to an extent. It's a like/loath relationship. She still sucks as a writer though. And I'm deeply offended she dare use Robert Frost and Shakespeare as a segway to her stories. Doesn't help the comparisons.